remembering or forgetting?

been spending some time immobilised in bed. dont really want to read. can't concentrate, i m having a very "fertile" period in my brain these weeks. it demands no distractions, bombards me with memories at day and dreams at night.

so instead of taking my mind off it with a good book, i m listening to good music, singing along, listening again, feeling deeper, singing better.

thinking, remembering. i am glad to remember. there is so much stuff that, in a very well thought wish, would prefer had never happened. but happen they did and as long as things happen, i am glader to remember them than to forget them. tears are bitter. but the water of forgetting would be bitterer. i imagine it would offer me sweet bliss, leave me with some empty spots, maybe some sort of phantom pains, maybe put me at some kind of peace with the world - but it would withhold from me the resolution, the strength, the lessons of tears. and then that's the stuff that puts me at peace with myself.

i listen to the beautiful songs of my beloved composers and poets and i get lost in translating the images

pws na glitwsete lefta

den xreiazete sto spiti sas na epikratoun syn8hkes kayswna kai to xeimwna. katevaste to 8ermostath sas stous 18 va8mous. forontas kaltses h pantofles kai ena fouter h ena fleece mesa sto spiti 8a eisaste zesta kai 8a kanete oikonomia sto petrelaio. anapste to tzaki anti na to exete mono san diakosmhtiko stoixeio. an exete ypodapedia 8ermansh, mazepste ta xalia sas, mplokaroun th zesth kai sas prokaloun apwleies energeias.

otan pshnete, afhste sto telos thn porta tou fournou anoixth gia na zestanete to xwro sas

einai shmantiko na aerizoume to spiti mas mia me dyo fores thn hmera. mhn xehnate omws ta para8yra anoixta otan aerizete to spiti. mporeite na kanete to exhs: anoixte ta para8yra se ena ena ta dwmatia, perimenete tria leptakia kai meta arxiste na ta kleinete me thn idia seira pou ta anoixate.

an exete provlhma xhrou aera mesa sto spiti to xeimwna, den einai anagkh na agorasete afygranthra. valte vregmenes petsetes panw sta kalorifer sas - gia ypodapedia 8ermansh, afhste mia katsarola me vrasto nero sto dwmatio sas prin koimh8eite. mhn afhnete na sas plasaroun proionta ws anagkes, otan yparxoun aples, fthnes lyseis.

vgazete apo thn mpriza syskeves opws thleorash, dvd player, microwave ktl anti na tis afhnete sto standby. mhn afhnete fortistes sthn priza.

odhgeite to aytokinhto sas oikologika, ayto shmainei oxi mono alla kai na elegxete thn piesh sta lastixa sas taktika. svhste th mhxanh otan eiste stamathmenoi perimenontas kapoion, ktl.

sthn katanalwsh petrelaiou kai hlektrikou mporoume na exoinomhsoume xrhmata voh8wntas taytoxrona kai to perivallon.

kai h iatrikh peri8alpsh mporei na apotelesei megalo exodo. mhn phgainete sto giatro me thn idia syxnothta pou klanete. frontiste thn ygeia sas, trwte ygeina, xaste varos an einai aparaithto, kante gymnastikh. oi megales mastiges tis epoxhs mas dhmiourgh8hkan apo mia koultoura vasismenh sto stress, thn elleipsh xronou kai thn ypova8mismenh poiothta zwhs.

gia onoma tou 8eou plenete ta dontia sas toulaxiston meta to prwino kai prin ton ypno. skefteite oti ta xalasmena dontia 8a sas prokalesoun exoda xiliadwn eyrw, synh8ws ekei pou den to perimenete.

an exete palia tshirt gia petama, xrhsimopoihste ta gia xeskonopana h kopste ta se lwrides gia thn apotrixwsh me keri.

gia na xrhsimopieite ta xyrafakia sas perissotero, skoupiste apala meta th xrhsh kai valte ta sto ntoulapi, anti na ta afhnete sto ntous opou eiani ekte8imena sthn ygrasia.

gia na kaigontai pio arga ta keria sas, valte ta sthn katapsyxh gia merikes wres prin ta xrhsimopihsete.

mh petate ta palia hmerologia toixou. an kapoio apo ta topia h alles eikones sas aresan idiaitera, mporeite na to xrhsimopoihsete san poster mono tou h me mia aplh kai fthnh korniza kai na to valete ston toixo. alliws dwste ta sta paidia sas na kanoun kollaz.

synh8ws diname sta paidia periodika gia na knoun kollaz. ta periodika synh8ws einai akriva kai apogohevoun afou einai pio gemata em diafhmhseis para me perioexomeno. an yparxei kapoio periodiko pou sas endiaferei idiaitera, tote kalytera na kanete mia syndromh afou etsi glitwnete perissotera apo thn timh teyxous sta periptera. skefteite oti mporeite na enhmerw8eite gia opoiodhpote 8ema sas endiaferei kai na diavasete kala periodika dwrean, online.

axiopoihste to internet kai gia na kanete oikonomia se akriva thlefwnhmata exwterikou: xrhsimopoihste skype, msn messenger kai ena headset gia na milhsete me filous kai syggeneis sto exwteriko dwrean apo computer se computer, h apo to computer sas sto thlefwno tous poly fthna mesw internet.

otan xreiazeste na daneisteite kati, steilte ena email stous gnwstous sas na rwthsete, den kostizei tipota!

anti na parete ena akrivo dwro h ena kouti glyka se mia episkepsh, pshste ena kehk, 8a sas er8ei pio fthna kai 8a eiani kai pio psorwpiko to dwro! epishs 8a exaskhsete thn zaxaroplastikh sas!

(sthn ellada isws ayth h symvoulh na einai ligo atoph) vreite mia daneistikh vivlio8hkh anti na agorazete vivlia. merikes vivlio8hkes exoun kai dvd anti na ta noikiazete sto videoclub.

zhthste apo filous sas na daneisteite vivlia h dvd pou exoun anti na ta agorasete, kai fysika antapodwste th xarh otan mporeite.

kaleste tous filous sas gia faghto sto spiti sas, anti na kanonisete na vgeite se estiatorio kai dokimaste na ftiaxete kati kainourio. mhn pate an agorasete akriva vivlia mageirikhs, mporeite na vreite syntages sto internet gia ta panta (kai ta koala).

o daneismos metaxy filwn den sas glitwnei lefta mono gia vivlia. akoma an xreiazeste ena ergaleio mono mia fora h gia ligo kairo, einai krima na to agorasete. rwthste an kapoios gnwstos sas to exei kai mporei na sas to daneisei.

an ta paidia sas exoun vare8ei ta paixnidia tous, koitaxte an mporoun na ta antallaxoun me kapoiou allou paidiou, anti na tous pairnete synexeia kainouria. fysika den prepei na einai spasmena.

ma8ete na episkevazete ta pragmata sas anti na ta petate kai na pairnete kainouria. ena swro pragmata mporoun na ftiaxtoun me aplh kolla! rapste to koumpi pou leipei apo to poukamiso sas anti na to afhnete petameno se mia gwnia ths ntoulapas sas. parte ena kalo sprey gia tous lekedes anti na afhnete ena wraio rouxo aforeto epeidh den mphkate akoma ston kopo na ka8arisete th saltsa pou sas epese prin 3 mhnes.

mh dinete se zhtianous. einai protimotero ta 5-6 evrw se psila pou dinete to mhna na ta kanete souma mia fora to xrono kai na ta dwsete se enan organismo ths empistosynhs sas, pou parexei trofh kai stegh tous aporous kai astegous ths perioxhs sas.

dhlwste symmetoxh gia kapoio filan8rwpiko skopo tis giortes, an exete elef8ero xrono. polla swmateia organwnoun bazaar me eidh apo deytero xeri kai spitika glyka. afierwste ligo xrono na xeka8arisete thn ntoulapa sas h ta paixnidia twn paidiwn sas kai ferte ta ekei h pshste kai kana kehk, den 8a sas poume kai gynaikoula.

koitaxte gia rouxa, oxi mono paidika alla kai gia sas, se magazia kai bazaar second hand prin katey8yn8eite sta magazia. den 8a kollhsete lepra. mhn petate ta palia sas rouxa sta skoupidia! osa den kanoun pia sta paidia sas, deste ta se mikrotera anhpsakia, paidia filwn sas h sthn enoria sas, se kapoio filan8rwpiko idryma ktl.

gia ta dika sas rouxa mporeite na organwsete ena vrady me tis files sas, opou h ka8emia fernei kapoia kommatia pou den 8elei, kai na ta antallaxete metaxy sas, opws kaname sto gymnasio!

ena swro pragmata tou spitiou mporoun na antallaxtoun me alla gnwstwn mas, otan p.x paroume ena dwro pou den antiprowswpeyoun to gousto mas h exoume vare8ei na vlepoume ta idia kai ta idia pragmata sto spiti mas opws vaza, pinakes, servitsia ktl.

genikws koitate panta an yparxei periptwsh na vreite kati xrhsimopoihmeno prin agorasete kainourio. den einai mono oikonomikotero, alla kai den 8a epivarynete to perivallon. to kostos enos kainouriou pragmatos den antanaklatai mono sthn timh tou. ka8e proion pou agorazoume exei epivarynei to perivallon, apo thn paragwgh prwtwn ylwn, ta xhmika toun ergostasiou, metaforika ktl.

stamathste na kokoreyeste ston eyato sas gia to gegonos oti dwsate to tade poso gia na parete to tade kainourio pragma. einai dynaton na eiste perhfanoi epeidh odhghte thn oikogeneia sas sto xreos kai ena oikonomika anasfales mellon? arxiste na skefteste pws mporeite na zhsete xodevontas ligotera apo osa vgazete.

love is...

...when someone rushes to the door to push a fleece sweater over your head when you're taking the trash out cuz are you crazy to go in minus three degrees in your t shirt

my xmas gifts

truth be told, i despise xmas. my best xmas ever was last year, when in fact, i didnt celebrate it (ok and because some mind-blowing sex was involved instead of singing retarded songs in front of a dead tree with kitschy junk hanging from it). so point is, i d rather not "celebrate" it specially as, duh, i m not christian. but due to social norms, a christian family, yiddy yadda, i am supposed to attend and get gifts to go with it. i resent this. i resent xmas markets. i dont know what makes me more dizzy. squeezing my frozen ass through all these people in guilt-free consumer frenzy or the pre-xmas prices.

i had decided to do it differently this year. firstly, cuz my budget aint very generous, secondly, seeing as my (god)mother has been uncluttering the house and garage the last couple months after my nagging her for ages, praising the advantages of a tidy home, how much more space she will have, how much time for cleaning up she will save, how she can freecycle all her extra stuff at the charity thrift store... i thought it would have been quite hypocritical never mention un-christian of me to send them more stuff to sit around and gather dust.

my idea was to send my love along with some chocolates as everybody loves chocolates and well, chocolates never take up any space for too long.... i went out to the supermarket back in november because supposedly, i would send out xmas parcels in time for xmas this year, got several big packs of different small round filled chocolates for, well, everybody, came home, mix and matched them, put them in pretty praline sachets, matching ribbons with inspired knots, stickers, packed them in boxes with frilly paper... and then i realised i d have to pay much more to actually send the parcels... bummer.

so instead, my gifts were: for my swiss in-laws who in a very protestant manner prefer to live way under their means and donate the rest, i chose a voucher for a meal at the "blind cow" restaurant in their city, which is a place run by an organisation for the blind. this was a multiple hit as it is not just a dine out but is quite an experience as you dine in absolute darkness and it's also for a self help organisation. for my family in alaska who also love to give for causes, i made a gift certificate in their name at a microfinancing organisation that gives loans to small business owners in developing countries. and when the borrowers pay back the loan, they can lend it again to someone else!

my flatmate and i agreed to not give any gifts to each other and instead put the savings towards a holiday together. i am eyeing so many destinations this year, from a city trip to barcelone to trecking in guatemala... and long overdue home visits to alaska and greece. the rest of my loved ones get my unconditional love and fiery loyalty which i could never match adequately with any gift that costs money. wait now that i think about it, maybe with the exception of my sugar who wants a sailing boat. ha, ha, ha.

oh and i got about a ton of filled pralines left in the cupboard...


MERRY CHRISTMAS

i stopped working from a job i really loved a couple years back, and decided to live on savings and go after getting a degree which i also very much want. but lately i realised that if i go on living as i did while i was earning, i will have to take work again soon. not work that i love though. i hated that thought.

i got really sick of having no time when in fact, i have all the time in the world. not doing much the whole day, throwing together some quick dinner with whatever was there instead of preparing it ahead. i got sick of facebook. i deactivated the account there. i dont think anybody missed me anyway. suddenly i had sooo much more time. i stopped being in front of the desktop most of my day. i am concentrated now when i m studying as i'm not constantly interrupting myself to check the latest email that beeped its way in my inbox. also, i have my whole day to my hands and legs to go for walks, swims, watch movies, or take care of a big flat neglected for about two years. also, weird as it might sound, i have time to make tea in the mornings and the afternoons every day :)

back in august i told my flatmate that i am sick of all the paper mountains that added up for recycling, because he had the very bad habit of bringing the paper back home in the evenings. i forbid him to bring back the newspapers! the trains have a special bin for papers so he could dispose of them there if he forgot to do so at work. so, we have much less paper to recycle now. much, much less paper. you can see the other half floor of his office room.

i cancelled the cable tv subscription. well, that sort of took care of itself because the cable company decided to update the machines so that the old ones wouldnt work anymore. so i thought, fine. no cable. it's a blessing because tv really is crap. then i cancelled the landline telephone. with mobile phones, we hardly use it and mostly when it rings it's to sell insurance or whatever. i started barking at all those annoying callers, especially as they call often after 7 in the evening and even on saturdays and now i think the calls have diminished. but i cancelled the landline anyway, as it really was wasted money. i also cancelled my contract mobile phone, keeping the one which i can load up with credit whenever i want to. i minimised phone calls and write more texts and talk to people online.

i cancelled a couple magazine subscriptions that i hardly read and were crap and just ads that make you feel fat and ugly from first to last page. i kept one subscription of a magazine with well researched articles on women's issues, without fashion, dieting and all that bull.

just a few weeks ago, i decided to stop the online grocery deliveries, and get groceries on my way home from the stores next to the pool where i swim. also, i set aside a certain amount for groceries each month and now i check and compare prices before i put something in the basket. i keep the receipts, too. i have cut down dramatically on meat and anything processed or "specialties" that are simply expensive. i look for the day's "deals" and opt for those. i'm saving at least one third up to a half of what i spent before for food. i'm making my flatmate take lunch from home at least twice a week -oh and i sneak fruit into his backpack for snacks.

i ve been nagging him to get a third person in the household as the rent has gone up 15% since we moved here a little over two years ago, due to the increase in heating costs. i could move my workroom into my bedroom and free up that room for sublet but he is too afraid to have a stranger which i understand, but still when i think that "stranger" could take over one fourth of the rent i dont mind that much. besides it could turn out pretty cool.

housewise, i am more or less done with the big decluttering project i took on in august. i lightened my closet to about one third of its initial contents by giving away stuff or bringing it to charity. right now i dont need the second closet. i put away i ve put away the extra towels and bedstuff and the extras of the extras and now i can see what's in those cupboards... why on earth did i have that many towels or bedsheets in the first place escapes me as does why i have so many tablecloths, or curtains, or bath mats... and so on. they are all stacked away in the basement now together with a couple bags of summer clothes and i am undecided between giving it away or keeping them for replacement when my current things are worn off.

the prices of clothes and most everything, really, in switzerland are irritating me, especially after living a year abroad and seeing how much cheaper things are there. so i ve decided to only do shopping when i m abroad on a trip! speaking of trips i also decided to only take trips from now on that i am going to make the most of and enjoy fully. i was planning a trip to barcelona in february which i m sure would be a lovely city trip with museums and such but i realised what i really want is a beach and sun vacation so now looking for alternatives for the same budget...

xmas. i hate it. i hate the whole finding and buying gifts just because i have to. i have reduced gifts to the absolute minimum over the years, that means, only immediate family.

i'm getting a new niece!

when i am confused with life it always help to have a nice chat wth my (god)mother. she gave me today this rule of thumb:
if you're 80% happy 80% of the time, it's the *right* person. there IS no perfect person (ok, i knew that last bit at least)

but then dad added, relationships aren't 50/50 they're 100/100.

if you have insight as to what that means, please offer your lights because i didnt get that and dad is not one to explain art.

see i m eager to take advice from people who ve been together 20 years.

oh, i also found this on somebody's facebook today.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
- Hellen Keller

i practice that, too, so i'm proud of myself :p


the main piece of news though is that I M GETTING A NEW NIECE!!!!! she's going to be an aquarius girl and her mom and her three handsome brothers are expecting her the first days of february



and my godmother might come visit, don't know when exactly, and if it's going to be this winter or in spring but i hope she will take that plane before she goes mad, because she needs the vacation desperately. else i ll just *have* to bring a vacation to her by spend summer in there myself lol

memory foam

school is out for the week and my sugar is arriving monday night. that means i ve got five days to make the flat at least appear clean and tidy, fill the fridge, plan for her fav foods that she has pre ordered and change the sheets. oh, and brush the cats so they look all shiny for aunty. i already told my big daughter tonight that "guess what, guess what, aunty who loves you is coming" and she was like "yeah, right, hope she brings some snacks..."

i read somewhere tonight that "our fears are like children growing up without parents" any insight?

goodnight, or goodmorning... (click for song)

do you know that when we're in love our brain kinda photoshop -beautifies the object of our desire so that we perceive them as flawless?

well this happens to me not only with whatever person i m in love with. it also happens with my friends. for example if you ask me i ll tell you that she is probably the most beautiful woman in the world.

today

"what passed
didn't stay
what comes
didn't happen"

was ging,
blieb niocht,
was kommt,
passoert noch.

what is left?

today
now
this moment.
so,
stop living
from the past
or
for the future

today

"what passed
didn't stay
what comes
didn't happen"

was ging,
blieb niocht,
was kommt,
passoert noch.

what is left?

today
now
this moment.
so,
stop living
from the past
or
for the future

sometimes life can turn so weird
and things you never expected happen. things you never gave up on because you didnt consider them to start with.

i met her in high school. we hit it off immediately, within a couple minutes, barely having exchanged a few sentences. i had just tranfered to that school a little late in the year leaving behind a couple of same minded friends i'd made in 10th grade and my new class didnt seem very promising people-wise. it was a relief to talk to someone who wasn't mainly preoccupied with maintaining a popular image and whose mind wasn't cluttered with the usual teenager crap. i was instantly in love. of course i didn't know it back then!

anyhow


sometimes life can turn so weird....


yep my very dear best friend is coming to visit in less than two weeks. she's bringing my god-daughter with her. her name is monster and we are anxious to see how she will get along with my own four furry children.

i cannot wait....

we're already debating whether we'll get kubrik or kurosawa

ich verfechte die anarchie

Stopp mich nicht. Ich träume.
Wir lebten gebückt Jahrhunderte von Ungerechtigkeit. Jahrhunderte von Einsamkeit.
Jetzt nicht. Stopp mich nicht.
Jetzt und hier für immer und überall.
Ich träume von Freiheit.
Lass uns durch jedermanns wunderschöne Eigenart die Harmonie des Universums wiederherstellen.
Spielen wir! Wissen ist Freude.
Es ist keine Rekrutierung der Schulen.
Ich träume, weil ich liebe. Grosse Träume auf dem Himmel. Arbeiter mit eigenen Fabriken tragen zur internationalen Schokoladenproduktion bei.
Ich träume, weil ich WEISS und ich KANN.
Die Banken gebären die "Räuber".
Die Gefägnisse die "Terroristen".
Die Einsamkeit die "Unangepassten".
Das Produkt das "Bedürfnis".
Grenzen die Armeen.
Alles das Eigentum.
Gewalt gebärt Gewalt.
Frag nicht. Stopp mich nicht.
Wir haben jetzt des Moralrechtes Ultimative Handlung zu wiederherstellen.
Ein Gedicht aus dem Leben machen. Und das Leben Realität.
Dies ist ein Traum, den ich kann kann kann ICH LIEBE DICH und du stoppst mich nicht ich träume nicht. Ich lebe.
Ich strecke die Hände der Liebe, dem Zusammenhalt, der Freiheit.
So viele Male wie nötig von vorn an.
Ich verfechte die Anarchie.


von Katerina Gogou


Übersetzung vasvoe

walking on sunshine

walking on sunshine...!!!


is how i feel these days. never mind the cold and rain. never mind november. i happily skipped the bus from the station hopping and kicking my way home to that tune.

yes, these days i come home and turn on the music and start dancing, i'm dancing and chopping vegetables, i'm dancing and washing salad, i'm dancing and bringing out the food, heck i would be dancing while eating if i could, although can't promise i wont be tapping my feet under the table.

my cats look at me with that "it's that time of year" look, yes, she's all jumps and dances and can't sit still for a moment!!!

well, truth be told i can't quite jump yet, only a teensy bit tonight but surely in a couple weeks i WILL jump again

what can say, i'm happy, i'm in love, things are going so well, with her and with everything and on top of that, I WILL be pregnant!

i can only say that my lovely friend noneed was absolutely right when she advised me on my birthday that it only goes up from here!!! [/FONT]

my fav book mine mine mine

is the little prince. it might as well be the or one of the most popular books as a favourite book.

noneed might say that this is not a book about undying friendship. i disagree. because the love you take from a true friendship, even if you part eventually, stays with you, in you, as part of you even.

as far as i'm concerned, people who "didn't get" the little prince or discarded it as a "sweet story" never fully made it to a person that touched me in a positive way or whose whatever touch i am happy to carry around with me...

on a happy happy note my foot injury has almost healed ( I wonder if i really had to go to the doctor today, my teas and own body seemed to do it over the weekend) and i am dancing, dancing, dancing to celebrate god i missed using my foot so bad i know i shouldnt really dance but i can't help it i'm so happy!!! hey i'm not jumping on it yet or anything, ok? -I love jumping when dancing. i'm so happy i haven't been that beautiful in three weeks

i'm also very happy that after a miserable week with me being grumpy to no end for pain and immobility combined with my menstrual obnoxiousness syndrom my flatmate didn't kick me out of the house emptying the contents of my closet and shelves out the window in some theatrical show of bursting patience, neither has my gf decided this relationship is too young to put up with this so i am very lucky. hey at least now she knows :p i

sth wrong?

you wake up feeling fine but after a while you develop a illfitting, irritating feeling, you're trying to think clearly but there's sth blurring your concentration?


try cleaning your glasses

SUCCESS AND MOTHERHOOD DON'T GO TOGETHER? you can lick my toes!

studies/career and motherhood don't go together? you can lick my toes!

really!

just because you were brainwashed that you cannot do both

or maybe you even came to the conclusion after much thought

that you couldnt

and so you didnt

and/or you're jealous that someone would dare something that you were too chicken shit /not confident enough to even think of trying

or maybe you tried and didnt do too well, or kinda failed, or failed miserably

and/or because your own time to do anything about it has irrevocably passed

YOU CANNOT TELL ME:

with the certainty of a person who has done neither that "you can't do both"
maybe because you're not proud of your own child that "women are not made to be baby machines" (??) (ever tried seeing yourself as a mother instead?)

that "you have to pick one" (is that in the ten commandments somewhere?)

that "you can't have everything" (why on earth not??)

firstly, it's plain rude to offer crippling "advice" instead of a simple good luck, if you really can't come up with anything warmer, seeing as i didn't ask for the advice, you asked what's new

secondly, i think you're underestimating my intelligence, planning, ability (so you don't reckon i ever thought that it's probably like working 200% before i took my decision?)

thirdly, you're really making it about you

i'm not saying i am, or ever will be perfect

i'm not saying, i will get everything perfect

but i'm saying i'm going to try to get everything right

and that's why i'll get more than you ever settled for

now you can sit back and shut your mouth if you have nothing good to say

do feel free to watch me and turn red, green, blue and all the other colours of the rainbbow for all i care.

isn0t it all just amazing?

doesn't your soul overflow with happiness some times?

mine does. i am so happy today. this happiness is flowing over from my insides through every pore of me and manifests itself in a big grin. it's a constant flow rather than a short burst, and it fills me with thankfulness, optimism and a determination not to let it go to waste.

the facts:
i am healthy, able and whatever i need to live and flourish is either available to me or i have the opportunities to acquire it.
there are people who love me and find i am wonderful and likewise i find them most important.
soon there will be a little seed growing inside me that will take my experience of what love is all about to a whole new level.
what else can you possibly ask for? except cherish the moment when it is there, because you should never, ever take it for granted. it's not so much that something terrible could happen to you like an illness or a loss, it is that missing out on all this wonderfulness day by day and feel it expand inside you is what's terrible.

an evening trip

i took the train today to go see an exhibition of paintings of an old friend, that her sister organised it in her memory.

a little boy of about five or six years old with dark blue eyes, really fat cheeks and the cutest red lips came in with his mother, and i signed to her that there's space next to me. she sat next to me and he opposite me next to some indian business man who according to his body language thought very high of himself (really... next time go to first class if you dont want to mingle with people "lower" than you).

ok, back to the cutie boy, our first encounter was that he spilled his hot chocolate on my new jeans luckily it had a tight lid that held so only a few drops spilled and not the whole cup - much to both our relief. it impressed me very much how honestly he apologised. and seeing as his mother looked like a drug addict it probably wasn't his fault at all that his fine motoric skills weren't quite up to his age - he dropped it a couple more times, then dropped his brezel, then dropped the cup again as he wanted to throw it away into the bin.

about halfway to my destination, this train stops at the town where my friend used to live. so many memories came back, running to catch my last train home, standing on the train doorstep to hold it open long enough for a last good night hug and - just friendly - kiss... and then a very, very last good night. tears started running down my face. i wasnt exactly crying - the sobs from her loss stopped maybe a year ago. i thought i was hiding my tears pretty well, looking out the window and all. but the little guy noticed.

he asked, why are you crying? oops! i got caught! i discussed with myself for a second, what should i answer him, lie that i m not crying? tell him what? if you know children, you know they never stop at the first question specially when they've found somebody who answers truthfully, so i took a deep breath and said, i miss my friend who died.

immediately i saw his puzzled face, and he hesitated, seeing that i was upset. but i gave him a reassuring smile and he asked the next question what did she die from?

................

that was harder and i could see it coming, but never was prepared to give an age appropriate answer...

killed herself? but he's so young...
didnt want to live anymore? definitely too young and i can't say that to somebody else's child (i would say that to my child though)

i just answered, what i ve thought all along.

i told him she died from loneliness.

he stretched over both his arms and reached over for my hand, held it tight and he looked into my eyes and he said, really concerned, "i m sorry you're crying"

and that was the most sincere condolences i've received - in fact the only ones in that case, since nobody had an idea how much she meant or how big a gap she left.

i was glad i had to get off, allowing the cold night to dry my eyes.

baby, baby, baby mine mine baby small baby mine!

yes!
i want one, i want in my belly i want it right in there to carry it around with me and go swimming with it and feel it grow and make my belly reallly big and round and swollen!!!

yes and then i wanna push it out with all i got when it's run out of space and then i want to hold it tight and protect it and nourish it and keep it warm forever
yeah well, maybe not forever...

can it be healthy please and smart and beautiful, i couldnt stand an ugly baby, but if it's between healthy or beautiful i ll take ugly any day, or between beautiful or smart then i ll take smart over beautiful, and besides my baby cant be anything but pretty, since i m so cute AND smart myself. the father is not exactly a swiss model but yeah he's allright to look at i guess, and he IS bright...

ok god, can you put that baby in my belly this month? please?? we're two people, all in all three families wanting and waiting for this baby so i promise, it won't be a waste of seed plus with four different religions/ denominations between the families you'll get to bless this baby four times, so think about it, quadriple membership, it's a good deal

today

"what passed
didn't stay
what comes
didn't happen"

what is left?

today
now
this moment.
so,
stop living
from the past
or
for the future