ouf.
ελληνιστί, ουφ.

δεν αντέχω πια να ακούω ότι σέβονται την επιλογή μου. θέλω να τους σπάσω τη μύτη.

υπάρχει ζωή μετά το σεξ;

άσχετος ο τίτλος.

άλλο θέλω να θίξω. διάβαζα χτες προχτές στο δέκα τοις εκατό για τους ψυχοθεραπευτές, και πως ακόμα κάποιοι έχουν μεσαίωνα σε κουήρ θέματα και να προσέχουμε εμείς οι λοατ να πηγαίνουμε σε θεραπευτές που έχουν πιο κουήρ συνείδηση τέλοσπάντων και όχι σε αυτούς που θα μας πουν εθυέως ή εμμέσως με τη συνειδητή ή ακούσια στάση τους ότι καλύτερα αν ήμασταν στρέητ κτλ

αυτή η άποψη για μένα είναι καθαρά ακτιβιστική και όχι άποψη ενός θεραπευτή. δλδ όχι φυσικά δεν θέλω ένα ψυχοθεραπευτή να μου πει ότι είμαι ανώμαλη. αλλά ούτε θέλω ένα ψυχοθεραπευτή να με ενθαρρύνει να βγω από την ντουλάπα όταν έξω με περιμένουν αυγά ντομάτες και πολλά χειρότερα. και το περιοδικό λέει και συμφωνώ κι γώ πως σε μερικές περιπτώσεις π.χ. αν είναι να μας κόψουν οι γονείς τα λεφτά για σπουδές καλύτερα να το βουλώσουμε μέχρι να μπορούμε να σταθούμε στα πόδια μας μόνοι μας.

αλλά βασικά αυτό που θέλω να πω είναι μην κάνουμε την ψυχοθεραπεία μορφή ακτιβισμού, γιατί η ψυχοθεραπεία πρέπει να είναι για το όφελος του πελάτη της κι όχι για τα συμφέροντα του ακτιβισμού.

(κι εγώ ακτιβίστρια είμαι παιδιά, επίσης έχω και το ψώνιο να γίνω ψυχοθεραπεύτρια, άλλο τό να άλλο τ άλλο)

ξανά μαζί

αυτή τη στιγμή είμαι σπίτι μου στην ελβετία. με τα γατιά, ακούγωντας εληνικό ραδιόφωνο απ το ίντερνετ. σε δέκα μέρες γυρνάω κάρντιφ να μαζέψω τα συμπράγκαλα και να δώσω το σπίτι. από σεπτέμβρη λονδινάκι με το καλό. επαρχία το κάρντιφ και δεν τσουλάει.

μέχρι τότε νιώθω σα να είμαι στη χώρα του πουθενά.

τί έχει συμβεί με μένα τόσο καιρό. καταρχήν πήγα κάρντιφ (στην ουαλλία είναι αυτό, πες αγγλία για να καταλάβεις ω, αγεωγράφητε) για σπουδές πέρισι τον αύγουστο. μετά τα χριστούγενα πήγα δυο βδομάδες νότια αφρική διακοπούλες. ζέβρες, λιοντάρια, ελεφαντάκια κι άλλα ζωάκια. άπλα. ήλιος. παραλίες. απέραντες. μπλε. με άσπρη άμμο. όχι ακριβώς το ελληνικό μπλε κι άσπρο. διαφορετικό. τεσπα να μη τα πολυλογώ. τη γνώρισα. έγινε το κοννέ. τί κοννέ δλδ της παναγιάς της μεγαλομουνιώτισσας έγινε. κατάλαβα τί πάει να πει σεξ. τί πάει να πει να έχεις κι άλλο και να μη μπορείς γιατί έχεις τελειώσει καμιά πενηνταριά φορές μέσα σε μισή ώρα. έγινα πολυοργασμικιά μπορείς να πεις.

περιμένω να πάω σε ένα μήνα να κάνω σεξ και να μαυρίσω. τέταρτη σχέση μέχρι τώρα, όλα καλά πάνε, αλλά δεν λέω τίποτα αυτή τη φορά. μακάρι να είναι αυτή που θα κρατήσει. μετά οπό τα τέσσερα ζωντόβολα και τις ανισόρροπες που πήγα κι έπεφτα μέχρι τώρα, φυσικά και αυτή μου έχει κάνει καλή εντύπωση ίσως όχι τόσο γιατί είναι σούπερ αλλά απλά γιατί είναι νορμάλ!! έμαθα κι εγώ κάποια πράγματα στο μεταξύ, να κάνω πέρα από νωρίς όταν το πράγμα δεν τσουλάει. τώρα θα δούμε. θα πάω αν κάτσω όλο το καλοκαίρι, τρεις μήνες δλδ, εκεί θά ναι χειμώνας, αλλά τεσπα, χειμώνας στην αφρική υπάρχει; δεν υπάρχει, 20 βαθμούς θά χει την ημέρα. να δούμε υποτίθεται πώς θα τα πάμε αν δεν είναι περίοδος διακοπών, γι αυτή βέβαια δεν θα είναι διακοπές, θα δουλεύει, αλλά για μένα διακοπές θα είναι, σπίτι της θα κάθομαι, να αγναντεύω τα σύννεφα. άντε να πάω να δω τα ελεφαντάκια και τα λιονταράκια. για μπάνια δεν ξέρω, επειδή θά ναι χειμώνας, αν θα είναι αρκετά ζεστά. ινδικός μεν, ωκεανός δε, πόσο ζεστός να είναι πια. θα δούμε κιόλας, δεν έχω αποφασίσει ακόμα 100% να το συνεχίσω.

μιλάω τελευταία με την αδερφή μου. χαίρομαι. με τους αδερφούς μου έχω χαθεί. στεναχωριέμαι. είμαι πολύ μόνη. δεν είαι και πολύ κινωνική. όχι ότι δεν θέλω, αλλά οι περισσότεροι μου τη δίνουν. οπότε αποφεύγω.

Okay Cheese lets look at your aspects in terms of Keywords.

Sun...I am
Moon ...I Feel
Mercury....I think
Venus.....I love
Mars......I Act
Jupiter....I expand
Saturn....I am limited, I fear
Uranus....I am unpredictible or unconventional
Neptune....I seek spirit (positive) or delusion (negative)
Pluto....I seek power or victimhood.
ASCENDANT....WHO I APPEAR TO BE WHEN YOU FIRST MEET ME.
NN (upside down horse shoe) I NEED TO BECOME THIS
Keywords for aspects
Conjunction-union of energies except with Saturn
Sextile-good relationship
Trine-very good relationship but so good we may not ever notice its there.
Square-gets our attention and asks us to do something hard
Opposition-asks us to do two things as once that conflict, may affect us sporadically or in an either/or kind of way depending on other factors.


Without taking into consideration the houses and signs of the other planets (which we cover later) and combining using the above key we can take your Moon and Venus aspects and say the following....

Sun Conjunction Venus 4°38 WHO I AM COMBINES AND MERGES EASILY WITH WHAT ATTRACTS ME

Moon Trine Venus 3°54 WHAT I FEEL IS IN HARMONY WITH WHAT I LOVE.

Moon Sextile Mars 4°51 MY ACTIONS COMPLIMENT MY FEELNGS
Moon Square Jupiter 0°21 MY NEEDS FOR EXPANSION IN MY LIFE TEND TO BE RESISTED BY MY FEELINGS>

MOON QUINCUNX ASCENDANT-WELL LEAVE THIS MINOR ASPECT FOR ANOTHER TIME.

Venus Sextile Mars 0°57 MY ACTIONS SUPPORT WHAT I LOVE
Venus Conjunction Saturn 5°25 I ENCOUNTER FEAR OR FEEL LIMITED WHEN I LOVE
Venus Sextile Uranus 4°56 I LOVE IN UNIQUE WAYS OR UNCONVENTIONALLY.
Venus Square Neptune 5°01 I CAN CREATE ILLUSIONS ABOUT LOVE THE FOOL MYSELF.
Venus Square Ascendant 1°41 WHEN YOU MEET ME< THE PERSON YOU MEET IS NOT THE PART THAT TELLS YOU WHAT I LOVE.

AS you can see each planet is in some way enhanced or limited by its relationship to other planets further refining how it is expressed.

and am luvin it.

i love our class, there is not one person i despise or cannot stand, and none so far who cannot stand me, the tutors are very much into what they're doin so it's good fun, the subjects are obviously interesting since they representative of our intended prospective field of studies and career, and people have a good attitude possibly also because they've chosen to be where they are and it really depends on them to go where they wanna go.

today i got more familiar to three other really cool people, an english guy with an irish name and irish parents, a welsh girl whose parents are english, and a welsh guy who is well, just welsh :P and he actually speaks welsh and told me how to pronounce my area correctly :)) i also now know that ashley is a name for a boy as well for a girl. i mention this because it is funny to me that they consider themselves e.g. english, while their parents are irish, if they have been born and brought up in england. i must say though that i agree with that idea because e.g. there are people born and raised in switzerland, germany, the US, hardly speak any greek at all, been to greece maybe a couple times to visit the grandmother or sth, and they consider themselves greeks, (i think to say greek americans is quite fine though), and that is freakin to me, i cannot see them as greeks at all. i certainly do not consider myself in any way scottish, just because my great grandmother was one, but i do consider i have some kind of a scottish "heritage" as in passed down through our family traditions and values, which i am proud of, but not because it has anything to do with scottland, but because it has everything to do with our family.

anyway back to my day, getting to know people around here comes natural, as they are very keen on making small talk and getting along, they dont look at you strangely if you chat them up in the bus or in the cafeteria (note to self: to chat somebody up means to flirt/hit on/pick up in this country, so have to find an alternative, hm) there are people around to have stimulating conversation with, people with open minds, or at least susceptible to having their views expanded.

unfortunately classroom overcrowdedness remains a day to day fact and problem, always going round begging for some extra chairs, trying to move into bigger rooms though so that should be solved soon, having people take notes on their lap is really not very comfortable even less when you're sitting for two full hours and no desk to lean your elbows or anything.

i asked around about the nhs, it IS a free thing for all, which i think is great, they say it's actually not bad at all, quite good, i cannot jusdge as i havent used its services yet, been coughin my lungs out for two days, hope this too, shall pass, hope not lung cancer already, not quite ready to die yet, if it really has to be sth more than just a cold, can it please be a bad bout of asthma, and i dont care if it keeps me caughin till december, at least i'm gonna have some great abs till then, already sore from all that caughing.

i am in fact intimidated by the english language right now, and the prospect of writing papers in english, havent used proper (written) english for years and years, hope it all starts falling into place soon, feel a lil lost without my dixxies, witout my writer's handbooks, english usage books, thesaurus, etc, the kind of stuff that has given me so much confidence, just by occupying the top shelf. indeed i have over the last years much more often used the duden (the big yellow german dixxy) than the oxford.

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known for "The Vagina Monologues", wrote the following about Sarah Palin.


Drill, Drill, Drill
I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she
was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the
claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have
a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness
or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I
have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact
that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the
polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life
trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence
against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the
Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people
who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of
Feminists.


But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical
to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving
the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls
options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence
and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous
choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those
candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in
so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally
disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the
world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have
seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the
presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor.
In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets
better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The
melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the
pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is
fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The
earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves
and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to
be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As
she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women
who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should
have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or
not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I
imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many
babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she
has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense
with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an
environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could
and might very well be the next president of the United States. She
would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting
rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot
hundreds of wolves from the air.


Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private
right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when
war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in
his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the
undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this
election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the
future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine
whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever
uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards
dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence
through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether
we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in
alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It
will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or
whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine
whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of
fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your
power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the
hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of
teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of
destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises
that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis,
doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the
floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between
nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing
we call life?


Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

the three blind men and the elephant

There were 3 blind men, who had not seen since birth, and were given the gift from a mahut of going to "see" his elephant. But, because the elephant wasn't used to being handled by strangers, each blind man had to go in individually.

So, the first man went in and grabbed the elephant by an ear. "OH, he said, the elephant is powerful! He is like a great leaf of the forest, strong and large and flat! How great is the elephant!" and, after a while, he left.

The next man came it, and happened to grab a tusk. "OH, he said, the elephat is powerful! He is like a staff of great power. He must have the magic of the ages! How wise and wonderful is the elephant!" and, after a while, he left.

The third, and last man, came to see the elephant. He walked straight into the side of the elephant who was now lying down. "OH, like a great wall is the elephant," said the blind man. He must be able to stop any charge, to control any flood, to push any object. His skin is rough and hairy and deeply wrinkled. The elephant is short and round. How like a large stone is the elephant!" He, too, left.

The three blind men met together outside the mahut's elephant enclosure and began to discuss the elephant. Of course, the discussion led to an argument. The argument led to a fight. Each was SURE of what he had "seen", and felt, and heard while he was in with the elephant. After the fight had come to blows, and words had been spoken that could never be taken back, the three old friends parted.

You see, my darling, God is like the elephant and we are like the blind men. Who is to say which of us is wrong, and which is right And, will we not have our eyes cleared by The Lord on the day of reckoning What if one of us has the tusk, and one the tail, and one the ear, and we are fighting over nothing?

Just a thought...

wandering the streets

was wandering the streets of roath, cardiff tonight
missing my people, worrying

havent talked with my best friend in ages, must be at least 2 weeks...

i miss her

txt her this afternoon to check on her she replied that yes, she's alive and if she weren't i'd know apla den einai poly kala.egw eimai se periodo prosarmoghs. easy on the booze mou kanei...

nai dioti edw to triptyxo einai vroxh-xydia-xenyxtia... tespa

reading this i just fell all my love for her flooding me

i love her so much i couldnt bear losing her she's so important to me

trala laaaaaaaaa

(post contents deleted)

Why am I crying

Why am I crying oh well...
coz people get my hopes up people let me down
and still I love them the way they are
coz that's the only way they come

coz I don't always know up from down
but I get it eventually

coz I've come a long way
& still have so much to go.

coz I can never go into the same river twice
but there are so many others to cross.

coz no matter how much I leave behind
I always take my memories along

coz I've found true love...
couple of times

coz sometimes life doesn't happen the way I thought...
but better

coz whatever happens I will be allright
&I will hang in there as everybody does.

coz that's life and i'm brave enough to take it on
-most times.

coz there's such a lot of world to see
&your lips to kiss

I want a woman...

who is generous and not afraid to give too much.

a woman who says please, thank you, and knows that the reason for good manners is a pleasant cohabitation.

a woman who is thankful, first and foremost, for her mere existence.

a woman who can appreciate beauty in everything, and learns valuable lessons from difficulties.

who loves to talk, listen and is a very communicative person.

a woman who thinks of love making more like the highlight of her day, rather than a chore, and has a high sex drive. a woman whose kisses increase my heartbeats and who can deliver a bite that leaves me prey to her intentions.

a woman who is well-read and informed, has a critical and open mind and enjoys exchange of ideas -specially ideas if she comes up with herself.

a woman who is interested in and wants to be part of contemporary culture and loves the arts.

a woman who is involved. She has a humanitarian, intellectual or artistic background and is possibly an activist of some sort.

a woman making full use of her immune system, who isn't afraid of dirt, germs and the like but tends to the cleanliness of her own space.

a woman who will take a trail that doesn't exist, and will get up to her knees in icy waters or crawl in mud to get a better view of a waterfall.

a woman who takes risks, but does not put herself in danger.

a woman who takes care of herself and doesn't need mothering, but purrs at her lover's nurturing.

a woman who is not jealous or threatened by the other important people in her partner's life.

a woman who will wonder, doubt, question, argument, agree or disagree respectfully and constructively.

a woman who loves different tastes of food, appreciates and enjoys a meal cooked just for her or other small, loving gestures.

a woman who will jump gladly into a relaxing bath for two, candles and all.

a woman who is not afraid in the dark, because she's holding my hand.

a woman who likes to hold hands.

a woman who might write me a poem or bring me flowers, because it's Tuesday.

a woman who knows who she is, what she wants, or is in a perpetual process of finding out, and is proud but not arrogant.

a woman who is out, most importantly to herself.

a woman who knows how to live and let live and who can, when all else fails, let go and let god.

a woman who is sincere, goal-oriented, disciplined, concentrated and has a common sense.

a woman I can admire and look up to.

a woman who might be into drugs, but not an addict.

a woman who likes and can play with fire, but can take the consequences if she gets burned.

a woman who reflects on her emotions, reactions, needs and wishes.

a woman who loves cats, of any size.

a woman who doesnt have bad-mannered dog(s). a woman who has well-mannered children, if any.

a woman who wants to see the world and is up for an adventure but also has a comfortable, functional, cosy and tastefully decorated home to return to, spend time alone, time for two or entertain friends.

a woman who enjoys a playful exchange of sarcastic niceties.

a woman that will fascinate me and for whom I'll fall deeper over time.

a woman who is confident and reveals her true self from the beginning.

a woman whose smile brightens up my day and whose eyes I gladly and willingly get lost into. a woman whose arms are the safest and most comforting place in the world.

a woman who carries herself in an emancipated, sexy way and is more often than not on the butchy side of the fence -a woman without a possessive, controlling or macho attitude.

a woman I will want to spend a long time with, a woman I would be happy and honoured to make a committment to.

a woman who will not fall low when it's over, someone I will still consider a close friend when the romantic interest fades.

i gave the list to mother to read and she added

MUST be approved by parents in Alaska

still missing you

I count the months. 9. Almost.
I still miss you. It hurts less but you're still missing. Can't delete your numbers. Won't delete your messages. Stopped reading your letters.
I call your number. Maybe I can listen to your answering machine. Number not available. The impulse to call your sister. Almost like talking to you. Same voice. Same sudden pauses to take in a breath.
I lie outside, humming along to music. The second chaise is empty. I miss you occupying it. I lie back with the knees up under the plaid. You sit uptight. I miss you leaning on your elbows over your knees when you relax. Listening to music with me. Saying nothing to each other. Just looking in your eyes glimmering in the dark. Reaching out my hand. Holding you. It's so hard to reach out my hand nowadays. So strange to be touched by someone else. But welcome, as of late. I miss saying nothing with you. And understanding everything in fact.
You haven't come in my dreams for two weeks. I love you, said I. I want you, said you. Going through your work. I love your work. I want to show it.
All that's left.
And why. And fuck.
Wandering the streets.
Leaving a red rose in your mailbox.
Singing at your grave.
And a perfume I want to bathe in.
Up thunder mountain. What a view. You flew over the glacier. I tore my knee.
We travelled to the south. You swam away in the cool aegean waters, under the moonshine. I cried.
I took you to the forest. I needed that last one, you know.
Hey, I think I'm in love. You're not there to listen to my rant. Or are you? Hey did I tell you? I'm getting a tattoo. Was so jealous running my fingers down yours.
So you're gone. Nothing left of you now. An empty matchbox.
But I carry you everywhere I go, my heart.

χα! λαμβάνω μυνηματέξ αν θέλω να τα ξαναβρούμε now that you're not pissed anymore

I wasn't pissed but NOW I AM!!!!

ωραίααα... το μπλογκ μπαίνει δυναμικά στη φάση χαρέμι, όπως πέρισι τέτοια εποχή! χε χε!

ρε κοπελιά όχι να τα ξαναφτιάξουμε, ούτε να σε ξαναδώ δε θέλω

γιατί

είσαι μαμούχαλη

κλαψομουνιάζεις για τα πάντα

νομίζεις ότι για τα προβλήματά σου φταίει η άδικη ζωή και συμφωνώ ότι από τύχη είσαι σαν να σέ χεσε γελάδα με το που γεννήθηκες αλλά ξεκόλλα

με έχεις θεοποιήσει

δεν έχεις τρόπους όχι μόνο παρακαλώ κι ευχαριστώ αλλά τέσπα ας μην ανοίξουμε συζήτηση

στο σεξ είσαι πιο τέζα κι από την τερέζα

περιμένεις μάλλον απαιτείς να σου βρω έτοιμες λύσεις

δεν ξεκολλάς από την τηλεόραση

γιατί έχεις στραβά δόντια στην τελική

Carrot, Egg, Coffee

A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee...
You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again........

A young man went to his father and told him about his life and how things were so hard for him. He did not know how he was going to make it and wanted to give up.

He was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. His father took him to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and in the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil,without saying a word. In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners.

He fished the carrots out and placed them in bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to his son, he asked, "Tell me what you see." Carrots, eggs, and coffee," he replied. His dad brought him closer and asked him to feel the carrots. He did and noted that they were soft. The father then asked the son to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, he observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the father asked the son to sip the coffee. The son smiled as he tasted its rich aroma. The son then asked, "What does it mean?" His father explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity..boiling water.Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

Which are you?" he asked his son. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean? "Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

if only you had known

how much i would miss you
every day

trying to run away from your absence i miss your presence even more
your eyes
your mystery


WHY?



I loved you so

would you have...?

why didnt i

why didnt you

and what does it matter now

if i had known
and if you had, too

well maybe ill learn now
to follow my own rules
never go for sth I dont really want...
or actually, that i dont need at all

and at last, that if I want green, and have always wanted green, then stop going for blue for liliths sake...

you are always in my mind
i carry you with me
you know how far we ve gone?

i see you in every raven i cross paths with
i love ravens
they take my breath away
they look a lot like you

you are here, there and
everywhere

and yes i loved you
and yes it was all my mistake

and yes i am oh so sorry

only hoping to meet again
at the end of time

just so i could get things clear and the truth restored

and tell you
that yes i loved you
and yes it was all my mistake
and yes i am oh so sorry




if only i had not been so blind and stupid
but at least, i m learning...




έλα άλλη μια φορά στο όνειρό μου.
θα κοιμηθώ πάλι δίπλα στη φωτιά.
εγώ θα σου λέω σ'αγαπώ
κι εσύ
σε θέλω

πάρε με αγκαλιά και πάμε

επιτέλους βγήκα από την κατατονία μου.

μετά από έναν εξαιρετικό ύπνο μπροστά στο τζάκι. καλοκαιριάτικα. έδινε ωραία ζεστασιά. σε στρώμα γεμάτο γατότριχες. τις μάζεψα λίγο με το χέρι σε μπαλάκι και ξάπλωσα. ακούς, μαρία; η ομοιοπαθητική σου δουλεύει! ήρθε ο ζουζούνος κι έβαλε τη μουσούδα του στον αγκώνα μου κι αποκοιμήθηκε. άκουγα το τρακτοροειδές του γουργούρισμα κι ένιωθα ότι όλα είναι καλά. βαθειές ανάσες και να κοιτάω μια τη φωτιά μια τις σκιές που έριχνε στο δωμάτιο. ήρθε η μεγάλη ζουζούνα και απλώθηκε πάνω στους αστραγάλους μου. σαν να με είχε δέσει. προσπάθησα να ηρεμήσω. όχι όχι, αυτό δεν μπορώ να το αντέξω. όχι αγάπη μου πρέπει να κατέβεις από κει, και άνοιξα τα πόδια να γλιστρήσει απαλά στο στρώμα. ανάσα.

θυμήθηκα βράδια στη φωτιά με παρέα. με την έμμα. με την κάριν.

όπου όταν καείς με το χυλό, λες το γιαούρτι θα φοβηθώ; οπότε όταν έχεις φάει το νον φάξιοναλ μπόρντερλάιν τί να σου πει το ελεγχόμενο μπαιπόλαρ. και ξέρεις ότι δεν σε θέλει για σχέση, βασικά ούτε η ίδια ξέρει τί θέλει και την στέλνεις να κοιμηθεί μόνη της παρά τις αντιρρήσεις (δεν ήξερα ότι θα κοιμηθείς μέσα, μα, δεν θέλω να σε βγάλω από το κρεβάτι σου...) γιατί δεν γίνεται να κοιμηθείς δίπλα της, να στριφογυρίζεις όλη νύχτα και να τραβιέσαι άκρη άκρη μην την ακουμπήσεις και πάθεις κανα ηλεκτροσόκ. κάθεσαι και κοιμάσαι μπροστά στο τζάκι. και το άλλο πρωί, μπαίνεις στο δωμάτιο γιατί έχεις αποφασίσει να της μιλήσεις για το πώς νιώθεις αλλά σε προλαβαίνει αφήνοντας να εννοηθεί ότι είναι ανοιχτή για σεξ χωρίς επακόλουθα και τελικά βρίσκεσαι να της εξηγείς τις ιδιότητες του τσαγιού από φύλλα κόκας που της έφερες, γιατί το ξέρεις αυτό το σεξ, αλλά το παλούκι είναι ότι συνήθως μια θέλει ΚΑΙ τα επακόλουθα και στη συγκεκριμένη περίπτωση είσαι συ (εγώ).

κι επειδή τα θυμήθηκα αυτά εχτές... ξεκαθάρισα τη θέση μου στην εξ (στις τέσσερεις το πρωί) γιατί αυτή περιμένει και τα επακόλουθα κι εγώ πάλι, δεν θέλω άλλα επακόλουθα μαζί της. στα χαλαρά, take me or leave me ..... I'll leave you..... κρίμα γιατί ξέρεις να με παίρνεις καλά.

αλλά έχεις όλα τα δίκια. εσύ θες σπίτι και οικογένεια και παιδάκια και τη σίμπα να τρέχει στην αυλή κι εγώ όταν τα ήθελα δεν μπορούσες να τα δώσεις και τώρα που έχεις να τα δώσεις δεν με ενδιαφέρουν πια, τσινάω και μόνο στη σκέψη να με βάλεις να σου κάνω δυο μούλικα και να σου μαγειρεύω φαγητά χωρίς πιπέρι ενώ εγώ τρώω το τσίλι με το κουταλάκι όταν βαριέμαι. και νά χω και δυο ανεκπαίδευτα σκυλιά μέσα στο σπίτι. άσε που εσύ έχεις χαμηλό τουτού κι εγώ θέλω οφ ρόουντ άνιμαλ, να κατεβαίνω με το σκαλάκι κυρία. για τα πρακτικά μιλώντας τώρα. γιατί το ότι δεν έχουμε κοινά ενδιαφέροντα, μα καθόλου όμως, πού το πας;

τέσπα μη το ζαλίζουμε, εμένα μου κάνεις μόνο για σεξ. δεν ξέρω γιατί νομίζεις ότι εγώ σου κάνω για οτιδήποτε άλλο (οκ, και για καφέδες παίζει). ούτε καταλαβαίνω γιατί το λες σαν κατηγορία ότι άλλαξα κι έγινα μπιτς. δεν έγινα μπιτς καρδιά μου, απλά εσένα δεν σου αρέσουν αυτά που λέω. και ο τρόπος μου ναι, άλλαξε, έγινε πιο χύμα. τώρα πια τις ειρωνίες που σκέφτομαι, τις λέω κιόλας. πάντως σε είδα διαφορετική, εχεις ηρεμήσει, τα λεφτά σου έδωσαν μια σιγουριά και χαίρομαι, από κει και πέρα έχεις ανοίξει τον δρόμο σου. απλά δεν ενδιαφέρομαι να σου κάνω παρέα στην πορεία.

εγώ πάλι ένιωθα σα να μην πατάω γη εδώ και μια βδομάδα, επειδή από τη μια δεν θέλω να αφήσω τα της βροχοχώρας τελευταία στιγμή δλδ σεπτέμβρη, από την άλλη δεν προλαβαίνω να "κλείσω" εδώ.

και σήμερα "είδα" την πιο απλή, προφανή, προφανέστατη λύση. πάω, βρίσκω σπίτι, τακτοποιούμαι, ανοίγω λογαριασμούς κλπ κλπ, γυρνάω σπίτι να τακτοποιήσω τις εκκρεμότητες. ουφ. μα να πνιγώ σε μια κουταλιά νερό; μη σου πω χτυπάω κι άλλη μια βδομάδα διακοπές να κρατήσει το μαύρισμα μέχρι τα χριστούγεννα τουλάχιστον! ειδικά αν το συνδυάσω και με τη συμβολαιογράφο, άντε να κάνω τη γαμημένη αποδοχή κληρονομιάς μπας και ανέβει ο προυπολογισμός μου και δεν χρειαστεί να συγκατοικήσω. διότι δεν νομίζω να το δούνε πολύ θετικά ότι εγώ γουστάρω να κυκλοφορώ σπίτι μου τσίτσιδη.

να δούμε τώρα θα βρω καμιά μέχρι τα χριστούγεννα να κάνω σεξ με επακόλουθα ή θα μας φάει η μαλακία. θα ακολουθήσει λίστα με προδιαγραφές.

μαρία μήπως βγαίνεις και σε λεσβία;

September 2006 Berlin-Tacheles

Today, my world is in order

that "belonging here" feeling. finally.
on the way back, i cried the tears of relief

then, i became terrified of the future
and cried the tears of despair

he hugged me and said
it's OK

he hugged me and said
you can count on me

i cried the tears of gratitude

today, NOW, my world is in order

HOW LONG IS NOW??

time to get down to finding the answer.


δύο χρόνια συνειδητοποιημένη λεσβία.