on standing and falling

on standing and falling

originally posted on vsv.shoe.org on december 24th 2007 while in juneau, alaska

I think we sometimes try so hard not to fall that it would be much easier to let go and fall and just get right up again. i dont know what it is that we fear so much about falling but it aint that bad really. the fear is bigger than the actual pain.

PS. i was out with The Dog today. it was icy and slippery and I got a little braver and a little wiser because I lost my balance and I tried so hard not to fall, and then it dawned on me that I better just fall than hurt myself trying not to. and you know what I let myself fall and just got right back up again and it was no big deal and it was actually kinda fun. oh, and The Dog loved it, too.

running out of whatevers...

but still running!

originally posted december 23 2007 while in juneau, alaska

changing nature

originally posted 26th December 07 in Juneau, Alaska

changing nature

-why have I come to be afraid of water all of a sudden?
-cos you ve become fire. spiting fire...

dear friend,

I wish I knew a magic spell to make you see how worthy you are of your own compassion and self love for the times you needed it most and for everyday.

You know, just because you have been naive, or soft, or vunerable, does not mean they had the right to go ahead and use you. You wouldn't hurt someone just because you could, would you?!

The way I answer to my critical self when thoughts like these arrive is "I still had lessons to learn" So, it wasn't your fault either, you weren't in a position to protect yourself yet! You still had things to learn.

Kick out the self judging to make space for the lessons.

And concentrate on now: These times are gone and things have already happened. The question is, what can you get out of it? How will you protect yourself next time? Trust your intution? Put yourself first? Learn to say no, draw the line, make yourself heard, remove yourself at the first signs of an unpleasant situation? (for me a great help was to take a wen-do class)

I only know how I came to forgive and love myself, which took a long time and was painful, but I can tell you, since that click happened I have not let people treat me badly or use my friendship, in fact I have removed several people from my life who I felt were either sucking the life out of me or simply were no enrichment at all. I did it without guilt - my resources and my time are not only finite but also very valuable to me.

How about your time and resources?

Every time you do not put up with situations and people, what you do in fact is to give a mental shout to yourself: I love you! And I am here to protect you.

I know from my own experience that I can "change the past" by changing the way I see it in the present. And seing pain and "mistakes" or "failures" as opportunities to learn and grow has been the turning point for me.

Also, maybe an idea is to try out reiki or some other form of healing energy and see if that is a method that agrees with you. Then you or an energy therapist can send this healing energy to yourself in the past, as a child, or as an adult in abusive relationships. I know this sounds like a heap of bogus to a lot of people and that's fine - whether is it a healing energy itself or a placebo effect, with me it has worked, and that's what matters. Abuse hardly enters my thoughts nowadays.

You take the responsibility for yourself, but you leave the judgement.

So, that is what I could come up with for today.
Have a blessed night

the chicken and the egg

i was in the shower yesterday and i was thinking, or rather feeling.

is it not unfair, that women have the gift of loving their child, that has come out of them.

this all conquering love that can transform a woman into a lioness, a wolf mother... i know when one day i have my child and somebody tries to hurt it... they are dead meat. shredded dead meat. i shall grow claws and fangs and rip them apart without further thoughts...

which gift do men have in this case?

and then it hit me.

they have the gift of loving their child just as deeply, that (even if) has not come out them.

as for the actual chicken and egg question, i can't be bothered. I am vegan!

do people come with an x button so you can delete them from your life?

it's been a year now that i decided to make my life lighter. i started with my home and my belongings and have eliminated a lot of "garbage" mostly by detecting false needs... this has been going well.

then i started to eliminate garbage in form of thoughts and feelings, my online itneractions.

then activities, obligations, more false needs and things that wasted my time and energy.

now it is time to move on to people in my life.

i have been thinking about eliminating some *friends* who just don't feel good. one friend sucks the life out of me with his neediness, another exhausts me with his misogyny, even if it is subconscious... i think i will simply keep myself away from them, avoid seeing them and such. i ve been keeping a gossiping control freak out of my life for several months now and i successfully "deleted" an ex a few weeks ago.

my criterium for knowing who i need to chuck out is how i feel when im having an exchange with them, as well as when i'm not.

sometimes i get an unpleasant feeling, as if the person is jealous of me in a way and doesn't really wish me well, or trying to control me, or feels free to "correct" something about me when i haven't given that permission... with the people i feel good with, these corrections are most welcome and appreciated. with the others, they feel like annoying intrusions/invasions to my personality... maybe because they come from a need to prove themselves as better, than from interest for my improvement and development.

sometimes communication is simply odd, i'm not sure the person is listening, by a seemingly odd response, or they listen but their social skills are somehow... not on the same wavelength as mine. for example when i say "i got this such and such diagnosis from the doctor and now i have to take this pill and do so and so" and the person just ignores what i said, instead of offering a simple "oh, i'm sorry darling, hope you're not in pain" something simple that shows, i aknowledge what you say, and i feel with you.

or when i have a friend who will only talk about themselves and their problems for two hours straight, every time i see them, without as much as "hey, and what have you been up to?" i totally understand that a friend can be like that at times, and that's ok, but if they are like that all the time, then they need probably a psychologist for it and not a friend.

the opposite can also feel weird. when someone only wants to hear about you, but they never share anything about themselves. when you ask them something they give you a vague or general answer and turn the focus back to you.

or people that are constantly "pill-happy". i don't know what else to name this condition, and I know i am a very joyful person myself, with good amounts of energy. it's just that there are people whose happiness doesnt feel so genuine to me, or it feels kinda "pushed", as if they are making themselves "sound" and "show" happy rather than be happy. it can get very tiring, too.

and then i also realise i don't want some people as friends, because when they are away on vacation or they haven't called in a while i don't miss them at all, they hardly come up in my thoughts in fact. and it gets even worse because when they do call, i might even get an irritated feeling like "oh, it's you... i don't feel like speaking to you now" or... "oh, you... i had forgotten you exist..." but of course saying something like this would be very rude and hurtful...

i wonder do i need to tell these people why i do not wish contact any more? the thing is, i have sort of tried in a nice way but it didn't work. the message didn't get across, and when i was more direct about it, they got cross. i don't particularly mind what they think of me "know-better-bitch?" but harsh concepts/criticism to one's person and behaviour can hurt... even if they are put in neutral words. especially when I know that this person has some problems with themselves, like not feeling as good as everybody else, then it sort of puts a greater responsibility on me to be even kinder with them?

but then again, if i want to treat all people as equal, why should i make exceptions for them? maybe it is time for them to simply grow up? and maybe it has nothing to do with them at all, and it is about me?

i think feeling inferior or feeling superior are two sides of the same coin: you feel somehow different than the rest of the world. it is a failure to aknowledge that you are just like everybody else, and you could be anyone else. and if i treat people differently, i will reinforce this belief in them.

all this elimination of garbage has made a lot of space for many new, good, happy things. good luck, love, happiness, contentness, wonderful new people and many many lessons and moments of insight have been coming to me. i think they have been coming because i have been inviting them to do so, and trying to keep my eyes, my ears my heart open for them.

morning phonecalls

my phone rang a while ago and it was a woman who said initially she was from my mobile phone company, and then turned out she was from some other company and trying to persuade me to change to that one. first she stated that "right now you have the connection for 8 cents a minute" without naming the monthly plan, so it was obvious that she doen't have my customer details and she is not from that mobile company... I answered my honest "i don't know" - I compare prices at the beginning, make my choice and then these details are wiped out of my mind.

then i asked like always with such phonecalls, where she had my number from ("from our list") and then what list that would be. she answered loudly and in an agressive tone "do you want to question me or do you want to start calling for cheaper from next month?!"

i said: "no, like this you won't get far with me. have a good day" and i hung up. I have done similarly the last times i received such a commercial call and certainly the number of these calls has been diminishing.

well, I have one thing to say: thank you Wen Do (this is a self defense system for women that teaches you foremostly to empower yourself).

yes, hopefully I will never have to defend myself physically, but I learned to say no and remove myself from all kinds of unpleasant situations without feeling guilty or helpless, be it annoying phone calls, gossiping neighbours, "friends" who are sucking the life out of me...

moments of my days

today while i was sitting, my heart broke open and i was filled with love. jesus christ superstar, i wouldnt know words to describe how intense but also how natural that felt. within seconds i was shedding silent tears until i calmed down and went back to counting my breaths. and then it just happened a second time! i had been doing this heart-opening gesture for a few weeks now so maybe i was just inviting this to happen, and i knew this is something i need to do right about now... after my heart-opening, I still had maybe another 20 mins until my timer would go off... although i must admit i was really tempted to get up already because i thought, well, after these two experiences, what else can i get out of this sitting? it would be almost greedy to continue, and i can spare myself the numbness of the legs. but dilligent as i try to be i continued and well, i was "rewarded" again, and after a while i felt like i was expanding or maybe melting into my room.

yesterday i originally had my guitar lesson and then my singing class. my singing class was cancelled so i spontaneously went to dinner with a friend instead. on my way to meet her i was so happy. i had had a great guitar lesson and it was so sunny and warm and everything was happy and full of contentness.

i was humming away amazing grace as i walked the streets and took the tram to our meeting point. some people were giving me strange looks and i suppose it was because i was singing and not because of my undone hair. i realised that obviously nowadays it is seen as normal to hum and head bang away to your ipod or mp3 player, or if you sing or perform for coins on the street or even if you talk to an invisible headphone in your ear... but someone who is simply happy and is enjoying this amazing sunny afternoon turning into a balmy summer announcing night, is considered rather weird and given weird looks. well you didn't think i would let the looks bother me, did you, i continued my singing and my smiling, trying to give the people feelings that this is ok, no need to feel uncomfortable. then the situation got better and only then did i notice this boy, around 8 or 9, who was right in front of me and looking at me and listening to my song and smiling at me. and then i smiled back and sang just for him and knew my song had been worth it all the way - and the evening with my friend was beyond lovely, too

i love my new hellos

“Why can't we get all the people in the world that we really like together and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.” charles schulz as snoopy

i had such a beautiful day turned night... thank you!

and it is wonderful sitting with a new friend, even if you sit different styles!

as a highlight, the veg kebabs were as delicious as they looked gorgeous!

after class snack

today after my guitar lesson - btw i m developing some great callous skin on my right thumb from strumming barethumb instead of holding the plektrum!-

so yes, after my guitar lesson, i stopped to get my usual pretzel, only today instead of saying i wanted the pumpkin seed pretzel i asked for the sunseeds pretzel. just a verbal mistake there but i must have asked for it with loud enthusiasm and longing expectation, i was hungry after all and this is a favourite treat for me. as i m getting my pretzel i hear the next person who was standing right behind me ask for the same kind of pretzel with a descernible enthusiasm in his voice and then the next one after him, and then someone who had come after i had ordered my pretzel also asked for the same, probably influenced by the second guy after me.

now there was the law of three happening right there in front of me. and funny how proof comes in front of your eyes when you have long stopped looking or needing it...

life is so good

yep. i'm feeling so good lately, it's amazing.

of course, i have no problems like "other people" do. i am extra lucky. i dont have to worry about food, clothes, shelter, bills, catching the train on time, or any health problems now or in the future. obviously, not only am i extra lucky but my luck and happiness came with a lifetime guarantee! besides myself, i never have to worry about any of my friends, or my family, whether they are healthy, happy, or have all they need. nothing clouds the blue skies of my days.

now if only i could get all the people who are richer, healthier, sexier, smarter and more successful than me, and even those who are and/or have less than me, to quit their moaning about every little or big thing and simply enjoy their life just as much! then feelings of jealousy or inadequacy upon seeing other people happy would subside, too.

because when i cherish the air i breathe, i "grant" everybody else the right to be happy, lucky, whole...

13. Get Your Personal Needs Met, Once and for All. If you have unmet needs, you’ll attract others in the same position.

15. Tolerate Nothing. When you put up with something, it costs you; unnecessary costs are unattractive.

16. Show Others How to Please You. Don’t make them guess.

17. Endorse Your Worst Weakness. When you can accept and honor the worst part of yourself, you’re more accepting of others.

18. Sensitize Yourself. The more you feel, the more you’ll notice and respond to the many opportunities in the present.

every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn.

i found vegan nutella. there goes the myth of a healthy diet ;-))

i guess i should give up sugar, eventually.

life is SOOOO good!

i had to ask myself this morning, i think this came up in my sleep, when i make a mistake, and i know the moment i am doing it, that is it a mistake, is it still a mistake? because last week was full of mistakes or false decisions and damn some of them i knew i would regret. but then funnily i didn't because when i was making them, it was my decision to do so, so they weren't mistakes, they were choices. is something a mistake only when we regret it? and what when we anyway learn something from it? are there any mistakes we don't learn anything from? in that case, are there mistakes at all?

got a busy day ahead and haven't slept much, i woke up right on time at one minute before four o clock. yay for me, i' ve been trying to condition myself to wake up that time. the tricky thing is to get to bed early enough, let's say by ten. and what with summer coming on and the new people i v ebeen meeting, this is getting increasingly difficult because i really do enjoy evenings, and warm weather, and interesting people.

i can see lines under my eyes, damn it, i turned thirty and look it. need to get some food for the fridge, and tidy my room, and do some laundry, bleh, i hate this house wifey stuff, if i were alone i wouldnt mind but the fact that i do them for somebody else as well, somebody i don't care about, gets on my nerves.

so, i think soon he will have to do his own shopping, cooking, and laundry and i will only clean the rooms i use, plus buy and cook my own food and wash my own clothes. i m sick of it, and i'm so sick of cat hair all over the place, all over me, all over my clothes, all over my bed, all over my face and even inside my nose. cat hair allergen combined with lack of sleep and i am a physical wreck.

on to the fun stuff, i saw that new friend again yesterday and wow! i saw her eyes at last. this time she was not wearing sunglasses. i was speechless by this colour. a fiery turqoise. paradoxical isn't it! a fiery turqoise! anyhow, we went to the annual bonfire in zurich, to chase the winter away :) and i came home smelling very smokey. she might come to visit me next weekend, but she asked if i d like to have coffee this week, too. so by that i suppose that we tolerate each other's company well :) but i m still praying i don't fall in love with anyone unexpectedly and head over heels and indeed i am lucky so far that i haven't fallen for anybody right now, i think i m a little sick of that being in love business, too, you know, the kind that is unrequited i mean. but hope the mutual thing will come along sometime this century because i dont know how long i can hold on withour sex. eight months already and well, some body parts are complaining for the lack of attention!

imik simik

great day, took the train to basel, got my friend from hospital, took him home to berne, we sat awhile in his flat, talked talked talked some more
then me back to zurich for guitar lesson, on to swim lesson, then home sweet home to my cats, tired and happy. tired and happy is such fulfilling combination.

i will be alone this weekend, yay, got swim lesson tomorrow morning, then probably come home, clean a bit, make a decent meal, play with my babies, practice guitar, practice my voice exercises, learn a new song that's stuck in my head. and for a nice kick at the end doing a nice spin session, god no, not a gym spinning session, i mean spinning around, around myself and around my living room until i know the world no more.

there's already a waiting line in my head of all the things i want to do and learn, and i actually do think there is plenty time to do it all even if i only got another half a lifetime left. as in just another 30 years.

anyway, i m going out with a new friend come monday, not that girl i wrote about yesterday, someone else, she is really nice.

the bus that takes me from near my home to the station was a little late today.

the disgusting porky man who was harassing that woman back on the train platform on november 13th, and tried to bully me when i pulled the woman away from him, and who a couple weeks after that incident had tried to harass me in an empty train, was sitting behind me in the bus.

when the bus arrived we had to run for the train was already in the station. as i saw him running ahead of me for a couple moments, somehow some form of pity prevailed over my disgust. he must have been out of breath though because i got ahead of him although i was only walking, and then i held the door open for him thinking "here i am washing away one of your sins and i don't even hate you for it".

hit me if i knew what that meant though.

ok, maybe don't hit me.

do people's bad behaviour gets erased when we forgive them? or in other ways remove their responsibility for it?

when i "forgave" my father for example (using that verb forgive as an approximation for removing responsibility...) with the reasoning of "he didnt know better?"

and why can i not forgive my mother with the same reasoning? can you forgive with reason? maybe a judge can forgive with reason, but who i am to judge? and damn it, who am i then, not to judge.

and in any case does this act of "forgiving" not include feeling superior to that person we are "forgiving"? especially when we give the forgiveness without their asking for it?

on the other hand, do we not know how to protect a child simply because it is a child and we love it and we see it as our moral responsibility to protect that child. and in this situation we do not feel superior to the child but we do know that we are more experienced therefore in a position to take care of it.

as far as i am concerned i didn't "forgive" to remove the "sin" from my father but because i needed very badly to let go of this burden of having to despise someone for something they've done to me that caused me a lot of pain, confusion etc (never mention half a fortune on psychotherapy).

hm.


ok, let's move on to the real issue of today's blog.

i ve met this woman. i like her a lot. i dont think she has the slightest romantic interest in me. i m hoping that i wont develop more intense feelings for her because boy i dont wanna be stuck in some unrequited love sob story for the next who knows how many months. she was talking to me and i couldnt even listen, all i kept thinking was i want to kiss you so bad my lips hurt. it's official. i need to get laid. bleh.

beautiful encounters number two

so i met a guy at the train today, all i wanted was to get off at the next stop and take a walk in the rain by the lake, but he talked to me while i was texting back a friend "don't you find texting a little unpersonal"? i looked up and saw this nordic looking man in his mid 30s, he reminded me of a loaf of barely baked white bread, ash hair, a touch of gold for eyebrows, unframed bleach blue eyes, pouty pearly lips. his tone was neutrally inquisitive, not this "you young people don't know what real communication is about anymore"

i didnt know what to answer, really, i wanted to say that simply it is practical, but then we ended talking about body language being half of communication... I thought this might turn into a nice conversation so i skipped my stop. then he commented on my clothes, how my pink hello kitty bag (which is becoming sort of my trade mark) is assorted with my pink shawl i was wrapped in, and how it goes well with my wine red cardigan, and how although i am showing off so much pink it looks well combined and not kitschy. now this, people, was one of the nicest compliments i have received so i thanked him and even threw an extra smile in :-)

after that i pretty much understood it was not going to be a conversation really but more of a monologue with a listener. i left the talking to him and i just listened and nodded encouragingly, interested, surprised, or with a question mark all over my face.

he told me about the differences of the germans and the swiss, then the different cultures within switzerland, then some linguistics, comparing german and english, some swiss history, his childhood, his brother, his sister, and some more personal issues. This went on for maybe 20 minutes and I was trying to actively listen, sometimes my thoughts wandered off and i brought myself back to listening, he did know a lot of stuff and I liked his voice, too. well when someone has a beautiful voice and speaks from the belly up instead of from the top of their head, it is so much easier to wander off, i get almost hypnotised.

20 mins later he realised, "oh no, which stop are we at? you are so charming i forgot to get off" (men can be such bullshitters) He should have gotten off at that stop by the lake where I wanted to get off, originally. Off we hop and into the next train back. He said, did you miss your stop, too? for another 20 mins he talked more, and i listened better. we were alone. told me about his travels, some spiritual experiences, his past, his present. i hardly put a word in, and i was perfectly comfortable with that, and with his openness and this verbal "intimacy".

then we got off at the lake, and he had to take another train home.

before we said good bye, he said it was nice to meet you and that you listened so carefully, sometimes i feel so lonely and people usually dont listen like that. again i had received such a beautiful thing to hear. i said thank you, anytime. and when you feel lonely, try out different people until you find one that will listen. and if this encounter hadn't had that therapeutic touch to it, i would have kissed him without further intentions.

coming home i wondered if i d ever bump into him again, or why did i have to meet him? for me, it was a reassurance that working with people in the long run is exactly what i want/need/ am supposed to do. and another reminder of my bisexual moments as of late, say, a month. or do i need to get laid that bad. sigh. anyhoo.



other than that my friend called from the hospital and obviously doing fine, seeing as he was flirting with me over the phone. so had to make it clear he can go on flirting all he wants but really he can forget about it turning into anything more. a couple years ago i would have let that pass thinking "he is just flirting in a friendly way" and i would continue to be just as nice as before thinking he would get the message i m not interested in "that" way. but now i thought you know what, fuck that false modesty, i know what he's hinting/hoping at, so draw the line already. i neither went as far as explaining why nor lie about liking exclusively women.

so yeah, why the hell am i suddenly so popular with men? even my flatmate told me twice i look pretty. i look the same shit i did a month ago. (or is it because of all this sitting down and breathing lately?? in that case i shall use it daily morning and evening as my new beauty regimen)

but basically, where are all the lesbians who should be standing in line for my number!? huh!!

beautiful encounters

I met a beautiful woman today and we had a lovely, slow walk along the lake, stopping here and there to take in this and that. we sat down at a bench and talked, it was like we had all the time in the world, philosophising about spirituality, meditation, those beautiful moments, travels, experiences. got some coffee somewhere to get warmed up and talked some more about our lives and then we walked back. as we were coming out of the lake park area and into the city again i felt as if we were emerging, you could say, from a mini retreat and that's when i really appreciated this park, i've always loved it but had never noticed how effectively it shuts out the city noises and hectic energy and tranfers you into an almost protected recreation area. so in all I had a very relaxing at the same time stimulating afternoon. here's to more beautiful encounters like these to come.

then I had my singing class, right after the breathing exercises the teacher said: you know what people, today I must tell you something: I do not have cancer! It turns out she had been going through tests for the past two months. Anyway we proceeded with our singing and for some reason i kept laughing more than usually, the teacher joking around am i funny? you think i'm funny? and we all joined in to tease her, oh well, i enjoy my singing class. singing liberates people. At the end of the class we were talking about who's coming to the next course, i can't because of my planned trip, the teacher was like, you can't come to my next class but i think it's great you're doing this trip and I turned back and said and you know what, i think it's great you don't have cancer. and she said thank you and it was one of the deepest felt thank yous i've heard in my life.

on the way home i tried to find something to eat, man it sucks being a vegan. i ended with an orange, cherry tomatoes and some yummy spanish sweet crackers with olive oil and anise seeds. i need a vegan cookbook. i have to check the library tomorrow.

i still havent heard from my friend from the hospital and i am supposing he is still too dizzy or dozing on and off reality with all those pills and antibiotics they must be giving him now. but hopefully all went well and switzerland will soon have one woman less and one man more, without birth or death certificates friday he should be coming out so i'll go pick him up and take him home. and if they delay to release him until monday then well i will camp outside the nurses' station until he can go lol

beautiful encounters

I met a beautiful woman today and we had a lovely, slow walk along the lake, stopping here and there to take in this and that. we sat down at a bench and talked, it was like we had all the time in the world, philosophising about spirituality, meditation, those beautiful moments, travels, experiences. got some coffee somewhere to get warmed up and talked some more about our lives and then we walked back. as we were coming out of the lake park area and into the city again i felt as if we were emerging, you could say, from a mini retreat and that's when i really appreciated this park, i've always loved it but had never noticed how effectively it shuts out the city noises and hectic energy and tranfers you into an almost protected recreation area. so in all I had a very relaxing at the same time stimulating afternoon. here's to more beautiful encounters like these to come.

then I had my singing class, right after the breathing exercises the teacher said: you know what people, today I must tell you something: I do not have cancer! It turns out she had been going through tests for the past two months. Anyway we proceeded with our singing and for some reason i kept laughing more than usually, the teacher joking around am i funny? you think i'm funny? and we all joined in to tease her, oh well, i enjoy my singing class. singing liberates people. At the end of the class we were talking about who's coming to the next course, i can't because of my planned trip, the teacher was like, you can't come to my next class but i think it's great you're doing this trip and I turned back and said and you know what, i think it's great you don't have cancer. and she said thank you and it was one of the deepest felt thank yous i've heard in my life.

on the way home i tried to find something to eat, man it sucks being a vegan. i ended with an orange, cherry tomatoes and some yummy spanish sweet crackers with olive oil and anise seeds. i need a vegan cookbook. i have to check the library tomorrow.

i still havent heard from my friend from the hospital and i am supposing he is still too dizzy or dozing on and off reality with all those pills and antibiotics they must be giving him now. but hopefully all went well and switzerland will soon have one woman less and one man more, without birth or death certificates friday he should be coming out so i'll go pick him up and take him home. and if they delay to release him until monday then well i will camp outside the nurses' station until he can go lol