the bus that takes me from near my home to the station was a little late today.

the disgusting porky man who was harassing that woman back on the train platform on november 13th, and tried to bully me when i pulled the woman away from him, and who a couple weeks after that incident had tried to harass me in an empty train, was sitting behind me in the bus.

when the bus arrived we had to run for the train was already in the station. as i saw him running ahead of me for a couple moments, somehow some form of pity prevailed over my disgust. he must have been out of breath though because i got ahead of him although i was only walking, and then i held the door open for him thinking "here i am washing away one of your sins and i don't even hate you for it".

hit me if i knew what that meant though.

ok, maybe don't hit me.

do people's bad behaviour gets erased when we forgive them? or in other ways remove their responsibility for it?

when i "forgave" my father for example (using that verb forgive as an approximation for removing responsibility...) with the reasoning of "he didnt know better?"

and why can i not forgive my mother with the same reasoning? can you forgive with reason? maybe a judge can forgive with reason, but who i am to judge? and damn it, who am i then, not to judge.

and in any case does this act of "forgiving" not include feeling superior to that person we are "forgiving"? especially when we give the forgiveness without their asking for it?

on the other hand, do we not know how to protect a child simply because it is a child and we love it and we see it as our moral responsibility to protect that child. and in this situation we do not feel superior to the child but we do know that we are more experienced therefore in a position to take care of it.

as far as i am concerned i didn't "forgive" to remove the "sin" from my father but because i needed very badly to let go of this burden of having to despise someone for something they've done to me that caused me a lot of pain, confusion etc (never mention half a fortune on psychotherapy).

hm.


ok, let's move on to the real issue of today's blog.

i ve met this woman. i like her a lot. i dont think she has the slightest romantic interest in me. i m hoping that i wont develop more intense feelings for her because boy i dont wanna be stuck in some unrequited love sob story for the next who knows how many months. she was talking to me and i couldnt even listen, all i kept thinking was i want to kiss you so bad my lips hurt. it's official. i need to get laid. bleh.