last week there was a lot of studying, except on friday when i did some housekeeping, went swimming and then two friends came over and we cooked a lovely meal and watched movies... was a good night. the weekend was a bit of a rollercoaster and I got my period, but ended ok...

this week it's all about studying and friday morning I got an exam then another exam next week and done till august. well, sort of, because I will be studying some more during the time off, I want to sit maths in january instead of june, to even out the extra workload I'll get from february on.

I'm supposed to take english next august but I want to take physics instead. I'm fed up with english, been having all my school life, while I've never had physics and I think this is a huge gap in my general education. Who cares what rhythm a poem is, anyway? Either you get it, or you don't.

Some weeks ago I was at a workshop and I met a sweet girl, and I meant to ask her for coffee or sth, only at the end of the day I was so tired that I simply said bye-bye to everyone and left.

Then only last week it hit me, that maybe I could still contact her through the school... so I explained to the reception lady and asked to forward a message from me, and now I've heard back from her :) cool, huh? But now the girl is going away for two weeks, and then I will be away for five weeks. LOL. So we'll meet in July during the week I will be home to do laundry, host a grill party and restock on sunscreen before I leave for Crete.

I'm more or less figuring out my daily plan for my vacation, I will be there two weeks just to be with my family and then my ex hub is joining us for three more weeks and we'll do a bit of sightseeing. Oh, and as soon as I'm done with exams I'm learning
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q269XQuhnnI]this song[/url]

purse contents

more cards than money in there i'll tell you!

-two debit cards from bank account and post account
-two supermarket loyalty cards
-library card
-newspaper subscription card (it gives you discount on some concerts, movies, cultural events and stuff)
-movie theatre discount card
-student card
-long term half price public transport card
-public transportation month card for the zones from my house to downtown (bought at half price)
-swimming pool card

-health care card
-emergency rescue card
-organ donor card

-a wet towelette

-customer card from the optician with the numbers of my shortsightedness printed on it
-customer cards from two different beauticians, a cosmetic shop, a shoe shop and a bead shop
-two customer cards from clothes shops i've only bought once from, years ago, which reminds me the card from the fair trade shop i actually do buy from never arrived, lol


money wise it's 190 francs in paper and close to 20 francs in coins (I'm feeling totally rich today!) PLUS 25 francs in supermarket vouchers, yay!

there is also a fine ticket for getting caught on the train without a valid card (my card had run out the day before and i thought it was still that date...bugger... the fine is 80 francs...)

and then on the tight pocket of my purse there are a few more "worthless" stuff:

a post-it from my psychotherapist from many years ago with a date for a session written on it.

a battered ten franc note that i found a couple months ago on the street and kept it as good luck

one old and one new cinema ticket from the first time i went to a movie with a friend that turned out precious in the course of time

my guitar teacher's bank details for paying the bill


what i just noticed is there is no formal identification in my purse. the health card would be the most formal of them but no proper ID card.

there are also no airline mile cards.

jeesh i'm trying to stuff all the cards back in and i can't close it now! but it closed before!?

ώρες δεν έχω να γεμίσω έχω σχολείο έχω και μαθήματα πέρα από αυτό και απέκτησα και κάποιες παρέες οπότε και το θέμα της μοναξιάς έχει λυθεί σε κάποιο βαθμό. το θέμα της μοναξιάς του να μην έχεις ένα γονιό να στραφείς προφανώς δεν θα λυθεί ποτέ.

να έχει απαίτηση να το κάνουμε; και τί είναι ο αλή πασάς στα γιάννενα με το χαρέμι; μα τί λες;; απαίτηση να το κάνουμε δεν υπήρχε ποτέ για αυτό και ο γάμος πέθανε πολύ πριν εγώ καταλάβω το λεσβιακό. αν υπήρχε το σεξ και αν ήταν ερωτευμένος δεν θα υπήρχε ποτέ ένα κενό στη σχέση πυ αποτέλεσε ουσιαστικά την αφορμή για να το καταλάβω. ξεκαθαρίζω όχι για να γίνω λεσβία. αλλά για να το καταλάβω. τώρα που πλέον του ξεκαθάρισα ότι τέλος πάπαλα και επιτέλους το καταλαβαίνει τώρα τσινάει. δλδ τόσα χρόνια που έλεγα τέλος πάπαλα δεν με έπαιρνε στα σοβαρά. τουλάχιστον μάζεψε τα ξερά του.

γενικά με ενοχλεί να μη με παίρνουν στα σοβαρά. πάρα πολύ. δεν ξέρω γιατί οι άνθρωποι όταν βλέπουν κάποιον γλυκό ή "ανοιχτό βιβλίο" θεωρούν ότι είναι αυτομάτως και άβουλος ή δεν ξέρει τί λέει. ή επειδή γενικά είαμι χαρούμενος ευχάριστος άνθρωπος και δεν γκρινιάζω και παραπονιέμαι για τη κάθε μαλακία ότι μάλλον δεν έχω ιδέα τί θα πει ζωή δεν έχω απαιτήσεις, επίπεδο κτλ.

δεν ξέρω πού θα είμαι σε λίγα χρόνια γιατί ένα σωρό πράγματα είναι αυτή τη στιγμή σε μεταβατικό στάδιο. αν θα μείνω έγκυος αν θα περάσω τις εξετάσεις κτλ. ο στόχος είναι να μπω πανεπιστήμιο, όμπβιουσλι, δεν κάθομαι να βγάζω τα μάτια μου στη βιολογία και στην άλγεβρα επειδή είμαι μαζόχα. αλλά σχέδια αλλάζουν και προσαρμόζονται ανάλογα με τις εξελίξεις. αν δεν μείνω έγκυος τότε του χρόνου είναι καιρός να μετακομίσω κα να τελειώσουμε τη συγκατοίκηση. μένουμε μέχρι τώρα καθαρά και μόνο για το μωρό που θέλουμε να κάνουμε. και αν αυτό το λάιφ πρότζεκτ δεν μας κάτσει πρέπει να πάρει ο καθένας το δρόμο του.

την ερώτηση για το αν έχω να δώσω στο μωρό την θεωρώ... χμ. μάλλον με έχεις πιάσει πάρα πολύ λάθος. κενή, φτερό στον άνεμο, χωρίς στόχους, και εκμεταλλεύομαι τον άντρα μου χωρίς να του κάθομαι... γουατέβα. δλδ να του κάτσω επειδή πληρώνει τους λογαριασμούς; ωραίο αυτό κάπου το χω ξανακούσει. α ναι, βρε, από τη μάνα μου. βέβαια η μάνα μου με έβγαζε ήδη από τα 12 στο κλαρί στον πατέρα μου αλλά προφανώς δεν ήταν καλή στις διαπραγματεύσεις, πάλι δεν είχε να τα βγάλει πέρα.

τεσπά τα υπόλοιπα μπορώ να δω από πού τα συμπεράνεις, για το κενή δεν κάνω το συνειρμό. πέρα από αυτό νομίζω έχεις κολλήσει σε μια εικόνα δική μου που έχεις σχηματίσει εδώ και χρόνια και πέρα από αυτό δεν βλέπεις μια πορεία που έχει γίνει στο μεταξύ. το κάνει και ο ρες. εκτός από μη άξια να με πάρει στα σοβαρά είμαι και αόρατη σαν άνθρωπος. αν τον ρωτήσεις ποια είανι τα ενδιαφέροντά μου μάλλον θα σου πει μαγειρική και σιδέρωμα. είναι τραγικό αυτός ο άνθρωπος ο "άντρας" μου ότι δεν ξέρει ποια είμαι. τί ταινίες βλέπω ποιο είναι το αγαπημένο μου φαί αν έχω ταλέντα.

έχεις πει δυο τρεις φορές ότι δεν είμαι έτοιμη για μωρό. δλδ τί θα έπρεπε να έχω για να με θεωρήσεις άξια να κάνω μωρό; δυο καλούς γονείς που μου έδωσαν πολλλλή αγάπη και προσοχή; (δεν παίζει) πιο συμβατικές αξίες; (δεν παίζει) πιο προσγειωμένα όνειρα; (να το παίξω καλή νοικοκυρά για να είμαι ον δε σέηφ σάιντ ας πούμε; ΔΕΝ ΠΑΙΖΕΙ) μπλε μαλλιά; (παίζει) αρ γιου κίντινγκ μι; έχεις δει γύρω σου τι γονείς κυκλοφορούν; που τσιρίζουν που δέρνουν που ταπεινώνουν που λένε ψέματα που κόβουν φτερά που αδιαφορούν. που κάνουν παιδιά επειδή έτσι είθιστε. πού ακριβώς μπορείς να με συγκρίνεις με κάτι τέτοιο;

μια φίλη μας 40αρα με 11χρονο γιο μου εξηγούσε τις προάλλες πόσο δύσκολο είανι να έχεις νεογέννητο και πως θα πρέπει να μετακομίσουμε σε εισόγειο μόλις μείνω έγκυος πού να ανεβαίνεις σκαλιά με μωρό και ψώνια... και ότι θα πρέπει να βάλουμε σύρμα στο μπαλκόνι γιατί σκαρφαλώνουν πριν περπατήσουν... κτλ. την κοίταγα. όταν αποτελείωσε τη διάλεξη τη ρώτησα πόσα παιδιά έχεις μεγαλώσει; ένα. με δουλεύεις; γέλασα. εγώ μεγάλωσα τρία αδέρφια κι άλλα τέσσερα ως νάννυ. και θεωρείς ότι από σένα θα μάθω πρώτη φορά ότι τα μωρά σκαρφαλώνουν επειδή έβγαλες ΕΝΑ από το μ""" σου; δεν ήταν attack της το είπα πολύ ήρεμα.. νομίζω ήταν λίγο δύσκολο να καταπιεί ότι μπορεί να της το πει αυτό κάποια δέκα χρόνια νεότερη αλλά το κατάλαβε. την εμπειρία που απέκτησε στα 29 ναι οκ πέραν της γέννας φυσικά, την ξέρω από τα 5 μου. μπιμπερά ππάνες κρέμες ρεψίματα μπάνια άντε κοιμήσου επιτέλους. στα 16 μου δεν μεγάλωνα ένα παιδί αλλά τρία. 10, 6 και 2 ετών. με τη διαφορά ότι τώρα, έχω το κατά δύναμη αποκλείσει την πιθανότητα να μού ρθουν απ το σχολείο και να μη φτάνει το φαί για τα τρία και να δέρνονται ή να μούρθουν με παπουτσια που έχει φύγει η σόλα και να μην έχουν άλλα ή να μη έχει ζεστό νερό να τα κάνω μπάνιο ή να μη σταμτά το φίσκα λεοφορείο στο σχολείο μου και να αργώ να πάρω το μωρό απτον παιδικό και να τρώω κατσάδα γιατί η νηπιαγωγός προφανώς κάππου πρέπει αν βγάλει κι αυτή την απογοήτευση από της ζωή της και μια κουρασμένη 16χρονη στα πρόθυρα νευρικής κρίσης είανι τέλειο στόχος.

πού ήταν οι κοινωνικοί λειτουργοί, οι δάσκαλοι, οι γειτονες, οι θείοι, οι, οι, οι...

ποιο φιλότιμο μωρές και ποια ανθρωπιά του έλληνα και πούτσες κοτλέ. απόπού τα βγάζουν αυτά τα παραμυθάκια ήθελα νά ξερα. πάντα σκατόψυχος ήταν ο έλλην. σκατόψυχος δειλός ευατούλης... ας έρθει κάποιος να με διαψεύσει.

σιχτίρι, πού τα θυμήθηκα και πού σαι ακόμα.


εκτός αυτού το παιδί δεν παίρνει μόνο, δίνει κιόλας, και όταν το θες πολύ εικάζω πως σου δίνει πολλαπλάσια απόσα σου παίρνει.

μέχρι τότε thank god for cats.

signs you are getting old

social

you are taking a leisurely walk by the river and the teenagers who are making out under the bridge straighten up as you approach

physical

you can no longer reach the knob to open the balcony door with your foot while holding drinks

mental

you shrug at yourself even at the thought of asking a 23-year old on a date (when did i develop pedophile tendencies?!)


you can prolly beat social with some trendy clothes and a funky haircut.

you can certainly beat physical with the proper strengthening, stretching and balance exercises.


how do you beat the mental?

not that i m currently interested in a 23 year old, not at all. but how do you beat it? and mostly, do you want to beat it at all?

i know it is age discrimination and prejudice but still i'm not sure i'd want to beat it...

is it a sign simply of aging or a sign of maturity? a sign of self reflection? knowing of self? or just age discrimination, prejudice, placing yourself int he position where you think society expects you or wants you to be.

kill the vampire!

these negative people, sucking the life out of me... energy vampires... i decided to kill them!

kill the vampire!

burn the vampire!

burn it and dance barefoot on the coal singing to rejoice my freedom.

kill the vampire!

μπορν αγκαίην

απόταν άρχισα να ψάχνομαι με το ζεν και το διαλογισμό, και κιθάρα και τραγούδι νιώθω το κάτι άλλο. ξαναγεννημένος άνθρωπος. είμαι συνεχώς ευτυχισμένη, με αναλαμπές ακόμα πιο έντονης ευτυχίας. το τραγούδι και ο διαλογισμός για μένα είναι σχεδόν το ίδιο πράγμα, δυο πλευρές του ίδου νομίσματος.

και στα δύο το βασικό χαρακτηριστικό είναι η αναπνοή. τόσο τόσο βασική και τόσο αγνοημένη η αξία της, τόσο δεδομένη την παίρνουμε. κι όμως η αναπνοή είναι η ζωή μας, όσο αναπνέουμε ζούμε... και στην τελική όταν φτάσεις να καταλάβεις να αγαπήσεις να εκτιμήσεις τον άερα που αναπνέεις τότε ξέρεις ότι έως και την τελευταία σου πνοή θα είσαι ικανοποιημένος, ευτυχισμένος άνθρωπος και θα περάσεις το κατώφλι χωρίς φόβο, χωρίς να μετανιώσεις.

στο τραγούδι τα δίνεις όλα και τα βγάζεις από μέσα σου. καλά είμαι εντελώς φάλτσα αλλά χέστηκα. καμιά φορά πιάνω όμως κάτι σωστά και παθαίνω ΤΙΛΤ. ένα ΩΠΑ! τώρα από πού βγήκε αυτό;!!! πώς είναι τα μικρά σκυλάκια όταν ρίχνουν μια κλανίτσα και δεν ξέρουν τί ήταν αυτό και τινάζονται να δουν ποιος ήρθε; ΑΥΤΟ!!!

στο διαλογισμό κάθεσαι απόλυτα ήσυχος και ακίνητος, και από το πουθενά σου έρχεται η αναλαμπή, το αχα μόμεντ. και δεν ξέρεις τί σε χτύπησε. με την καλή έννοια. συγχαρητήρια, μόλις ήρθες ένα βήμα πιο κοντά στον εαυτό σου.

το όχημα μεταφοράς είναι και στα δύο η αναπνοή, και στα δύο γνωρίζεις τον εαυτό σου. καταλαβαίνεις πως το μόνο όριό σου είναι το μυαλό σου, ενώ η καρδιά σου έχει ποτέντσιαλ equals άπειρο...

δεν χρειάζεται πια να "πιστεύεις" στο θεό... γιατί τον ξέρεις. και τον κοιτάς στον καθρεύτη κάθε μέρα.

σε μια βδομάδα έχω εξετάσεις και μετά πάω αλάσκα. προς το παρόν παίρνω πίπα-κώλο βιολογία γυμνασίου αλλά τι να πεις, μια ανάσα δρόμος ακόμα, μετά διακοπές. χλωροπλάστες, αλβιόλαε, ληχήνες, οικοσυστήματα, υπερλίπανση, η ενέργεια που ποτέ δε χάνεται παρά μόνο αλλάζει μορφή και οι επιπτώσεις των πράξεών μας δέκα επεισόδια μετά.


/---------------------------------------
εκτός αυτού η ζυρίχη είναι πανέμορφη. κάθε φορά που παίρνω το τρένο να κατέβω κέντρο περνάμε μέσα από χρυσαφένια λιβάδια με λουλούδια κανόλα και καταπράσινο δάσος. και σκέφτομαι: θεε μου, ζω στον παράδεισο.
στην πόλη κοιτάω κόσμο να περπατάει με ελαφρύ βήμα
ηλιόλουστες μέρες
διαλλείματα βροχής που κάνουν τη μεταξωτή πουκαμίσα μούσκεμα σε δευτερόλεπτα και λες, χάθηκε να βάλω ένα μπεζ σουτιέν που βγήκα με το άσπρο;
το καλοκαίρι που έρχεται τα *badi που ανοίγουν το επόμενο σκ
*μέρη πρόσβασης στο ποτάμι ή στη λίμνη με ντους κτλ
τα κούτσικα σινεφίλ σινεμαδάκια που θα ερημώσουν για να πάρουν τη θέση τους τα θερινά στους λόφους και σε πλατείες.
οι δημοτικές βιβλιοθήκες μας που μπορείς να δανειστείς ό,τι βιβλίο ή ταινία γουστάρεις κι αν δεν την έχουν τη ζητάς και την προσθέτουν στη συλλογή.

ανακαλύπτω με καινούριες φίλες καινούρια καφενεδάκια σε ανακαινισμένα σοκάκια
(ναι μαλάκα όλη η παλιά πόλη της ζυρίχης είναι σοκάκι-καλντερίμι)
ανεβαίνω στο λοφάκι με τις καστανιές για να κάνω εξάσκηση κιθάρα με την πόλη της ζυρίχης πιάτο στα πόδια μου.
την πόλη ΜΟΥ μου μου,

και μετά να γυρνάω αργά σπίτι τραγουδώντας να τρώω το καλό μου φαγάκι να κάνω το διαλογισμό μουνα συγυρίζω τα ρουχαλάκια μου να βλεπω και κανα ταινιάκι και να αποκοιμιέμαι με τον γάτο μου αγκαλιά, κολλημένο στο μαξιλάρι μου, τις γάτες στα πόδια μου και να λέω θέε μου σε ευχαριστώ, σε ευχαριστώ, σε ευχαριστώ, κι αν είναι να μην ξυπνήσω, το τόσο μου έφτασε.

και να ξυπνάω το πρωί και να τα κάνω όλα πάλι με την ίδια λαχτάρα προσοχή εκτίμηση και απόλαυση να ρουφάω τη κάθε στιγμή να αγκαλιάζω αυτούς που αγαπάω και να τους λέω, τί καλά που υπάρχεις! πόσο ομορφαίνεις τη ζωή μου! να σκέφτομαι τί και πώς γιατί ό,τι κάνω, ότι σκέφτομαι και νιώθω έχει αντίκτυπο σε μένα και στους γύρω μου. να προσπαθώ το καλύτερό μου να είμαι ευτυχισμένη και να κάνω και τους γύρω μου ευτυχισμένους. να κοιτάω ό,τι κάνω με κάνει ευτυχισμένη να μην υπάρχουν αγγαρίες όλα να είναι επιλογή μου συνειδητή να είμαι ελευθερη. κι ειλικρινής.
\-------------------------------

έκανα μια καινούρια φίλη. φίλη φίλη όμως, όχι από αυτές που σε θέλουν μια φορά το μήνα όταν δεν έχουν τίποτα καλύτερο να κάνουν. έχω ελαχιστοποιήσει τα πράγματα στα οποία δίνω το χρόνο μου, τα σκουπίδια όξω απ-την παράγκα. και σκουπίδια σημαίνει οτιδήποτε μόνο "κλέβει" το χρόνο την ενέργεια τη διάθεσή μου... (και δεν μου δίνει τίποτα)

από άσκοπες ασχολίες, ατέλειωτες ώρες στον ιντερνέτ, πράγματα που δεν χρειάζονται να γίνουν τέλεια, παρά απλά να γίνουν, και ακόμα και... ανθρώπους. ανθρωπους που ρουφάνε τη ζωή από μέσα σου και μόνο που βρίσκονται στον ίδιο χώρο... κιλλ δι βάμπαιρ. κιλλ, κιλλ, κιλλ! κιλλ σου λέω κάντον αναλαμπάδιασμα και μη κοιτάς πίσω.

ξέρεις κάτι, βαρέθηκα να τους κηνηγάω για να διατηρήσω μια φιλία. επίσης έχω σιχαθεί τον αρνητισμό. δεν μιλάω για όταν έχεις προβλήματα και στεναχώριες και φυσικά θα τα πεις να ξεσκάσεις και να βγάλεις άκρη. αλλά έχω αναπτύξει ζίρο τόλερανς για όλα τα μαλακισμένα *και εδώ μπορεί να είναι από δεκάξι έως... νο λίμιτ. αυτά τα μαλακισμένα που λες και ζούνε για να γκρινιάξουνε. λες και αν δεν βρούνε κάτι να παραπονεθούν θα χάσουν την αξία τους. και αν δείξουν ευχαριστημένοι με κάτι που δεν είναι τέλειο από όλες τις απόψεις, θα θεωρηθούν οι γύφτουλες που δεν καταλαβαίνουν ότι κάτι είναι ατελές. ποτέ δεν θα είναι ευχαριστημένοι από τον εαυτό τους γιατί ποτέ δεν θα γίνουν τέλειοι... και έχουν τις ίδιες προσδοκίες και από τους γύρω τους.

τέτοιοι άνθρωποι γιοκ. έκοψα το μαλάκα μισογύνη φίλο που απλά προσπαθεί να βρει τρόπο να με πηδήξει, έκοψα μια μαλακισμένη η οποία έχει μόνη και μόνιμη καραμέλα πόσο πολύ δουλεύει, και επίσης σταμάτησα να παίρνω τηλέφωνα να βρεθούμε δυο άλλες. αν θέλουν ας με πάρουν αυτές αλλά έχω χάσει και τη διάθεση όταν ρωτάω πώς είσαι να παίρνω πάντα, μα πάντα ένα βαριεστημένο, κλαψομούνικο cum υποβόσκον touch ηρωίδας μάνας γυναίκας εργαζόμενης νοικοκυράς "ε... πώς να είμαι... όχι και τόσο καλά"

υπάρχουν αυτή τη στιγμή δυο άνθρωποι που βγαίνω και έχουμε τα ίδια μυαλά, στιλ σπιρίτσουαλ, διαλογισμός, θετική σκέψη κτλ. μαζί με το ρες και κάτι άλλους φίλους φτάνουν και περισσεύουν για κοινωνική ζωή. ποιότητα όχι ποσότητα. επίσης #άσχετο, πήραμε γκριλ και κάνουμε μπάρμπεκιου με φίλους... επίσης #άλλο άσχετο, πήρα προαγωγή σε φουλ βήγκαν. δλδ εγώ ψήνω σουβλάκι λαχανικών δίπλα στις μπριζόλες των αλλονών. νο κρέας νο ψάρι νο τυρί νο γάλα νο γιαούρτι *μπλεχ και ίουκ μάνα μου... νο αυγά... πρέπει να πω ότι μετά από κανα μήνα χωρίς γαλακτοκομικά έτυχε και ήπια ένα ποτήρι γάλα και... έπαθα κολικούς. παίζει να είχα δυσανεξία στη λακτόζη και δεν το ήξερα καν. βλέπω ντοκιμαντέρ τύπου supersize me και Food Inc. για να κάνω αυτόπλυση εγκεφάλου. έχω κόψει μαχαίρι γλυκά και τζανκ τύπου τηγανητές πατάτες από τα μακντόναλτς. φακή ή φασόλι κάθε μέρα για πρωτείνη... σπιρουλίνα για σίδηρο και Β12, μια πολυβιταμίνη με φολικό οξύ και ασβέστιο.

αυτά, καλά να περνάτε. μάκια σας

moments of happiness number 2

there come these moments in life... when you are fully there and only there with all you got.

a participant as much as an observer. sucked in the moment you watch it unfold before you and it's caught in your mind forever. in that moment there is no time, no tomorrow nor yesterday, no thoughts no worries no longing no sorrows. no memory, no consciousness nothing beyond this moment. these are my moments of pure, solid happiness, th emoments i "forget myself".

this afternoon a friend and i we were having coffee by the river.
it had been sunny and now rain clouds were approaching from the distance.
it was perfect temperature, warm and cool, perfect light, enough to see all the different colours of the sky, the river, the distance, the people without blinding sun smudging the edge of things, a sharp balance of colour and form.
i sighed out: ah, this is my perfect weather.
the two young girls sitting behind us on the river bank got up to greet their friend who just arrived on his bike.
i could smell my suncream on my skin and my friend's citrusy perfume, i could hear the river splashing down over the damm behind us and my friend who'd been picking on my guitar was wondering aloud whether quantanamero is in minor or major.
the group of students in wide trousers that had just occupied the bench-style table opposite us lit up cigarettes -not hand rolled to my surprise.
a girl in a denim skirt walked leisurely by, turning to call lovingly (although pretending to be strict) on her little chihuaua, who stood to sniffle at tree, to hurry up.
a guy in tank top and shorts run by with amazing spring on his legs. three more guys followed revealing the four of them as a running group.
another guy with whooping long blonde dreads rode by on his bike in slow motion as the turkish waiter collected my empty coffee cup from our red tin table.

...............

a little later we got up and headed to the station through the park. there was a little fork way and i started shouting *"which way to the station?! which way to the station!? it's me, gloria! i left the keys on the table, next to the fruit!" we went two steps in one direction and two in the other again and again till we decided to take the left path. had we chosen the other one we would have missed a breeze from our right that blew a rain of pollen from the chestnut trees on us and we bravely walked through it with open arms screeching at how beautiful this was!

--------
today was pure happiness, to the last drop.

*famous scene from roberto benigni's little devil.

eliminating bad habits, one thing at a time (one a year? lol)

Today is the day i decided to quit sugar. The plan is to stick to that for the next three months, afterwards I'll probably decide it is ok to eat the occasional sweets like at birthdays and such. Hey, I want to eat my cake on my birthday :) then again, maybe I won't. no idea.

almost a year ago, end of may 2009, i quit smoking. i got up that day and i said: from today i am a non-smoker. and since that day i haven't smoked and i never, ever want to smoke cigarettes again. quitting smoking was a quite easy task, sugar shouldn't be a problem, either.

---i craved jam for breakfast, and i craved sugar over my strawberries, but it really is not that bad, things taste fine without sugar, too. i am totally sure that sugar is an addictive, at least for me it is. i rarely drink coffee anyway but from now on i shall drink it without sugar. also all kinds of sweets and cakes and sugary things are out at least until august...---


vegan diet is going pretty well, too, i'm not too harsh with myself. there is still some meat and some fish in the freezer which need to be used up soon, and there are still a couple sachets of ready soup in the pantry that contain milk powder. there is yogurts and cheese in the fridge which my flatmate eats, he eats the yogurts in between meals and he grates cheese over almost every vegan meal i make... the target is that after a while he will get used to the fridge and the pantry having only vegan stuff while he can still eat his meat and cheese outside the flat...

today we had a bean curry over risotto for lunch, and pasta with asparagus for dinner. both very yummy.

Gott schenkt dir das Gesicht, lächeln mußt du selber.

originally posted 28 sept 2006

No idea where I had first read this and copied it, but I stumbled over it again today.
------------

A TASTE OF WISDOM

An aging master grew tired of his apprentice complaining, and so, one morning, sent him for some salt. When the apprentice returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink it.
"How does it taste?" the master asked.
"Bitter," spit the apprentice.

The master chuckled and then asked the young man to take the same handful of salt and put it in the lake. The two walked in silence to the nearby lake, and once the apprentice swirled his handful of salt in the water, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake."
As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the master asked, "How does it taste?"
"Fresh," remarked the apprentice.
"Do you taste the salt?" asked the master.
"No," said the young man.
At this, the master sat beside this serious young man who so reminded him of himself and took his hands, offering:

"The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain in life remains the exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in. So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things . . . Stop being a glass. Become a lake."
----------------

three and a half years later, i can understand this much better.

So, go ahead

"The only way you can understand the real meaning and purpose of love is to be willing to pay the price. You have to go out there and risk sharing it. "

from "Chicken Soup for the Soul"

sagen wir mal

selbstliebe statt egoismus

schon viel besser, oder??

originally posted 22 january 2007

on standing and falling

on standing and falling

originally posted on vsv.shoe.org on december 24th 2007 while in juneau, alaska

I think we sometimes try so hard not to fall that it would be much easier to let go and fall and just get right up again. i dont know what it is that we fear so much about falling but it aint that bad really. the fear is bigger than the actual pain.

PS. i was out with The Dog today. it was icy and slippery and I got a little braver and a little wiser because I lost my balance and I tried so hard not to fall, and then it dawned on me that I better just fall than hurt myself trying not to. and you know what I let myself fall and just got right back up again and it was no big deal and it was actually kinda fun. oh, and The Dog loved it, too.

running out of whatevers...

but still running!

originally posted december 23 2007 while in juneau, alaska

changing nature

originally posted 26th December 07 in Juneau, Alaska

changing nature

-why have I come to be afraid of water all of a sudden?
-cos you ve become fire. spiting fire...

dear friend,

I wish I knew a magic spell to make you see how worthy you are of your own compassion and self love for the times you needed it most and for everyday.

You know, just because you have been naive, or soft, or vunerable, does not mean they had the right to go ahead and use you. You wouldn't hurt someone just because you could, would you?!

The way I answer to my critical self when thoughts like these arrive is "I still had lessons to learn" So, it wasn't your fault either, you weren't in a position to protect yourself yet! You still had things to learn.

Kick out the self judging to make space for the lessons.

And concentrate on now: These times are gone and things have already happened. The question is, what can you get out of it? How will you protect yourself next time? Trust your intution? Put yourself first? Learn to say no, draw the line, make yourself heard, remove yourself at the first signs of an unpleasant situation? (for me a great help was to take a wen-do class)

I only know how I came to forgive and love myself, which took a long time and was painful, but I can tell you, since that click happened I have not let people treat me badly or use my friendship, in fact I have removed several people from my life who I felt were either sucking the life out of me or simply were no enrichment at all. I did it without guilt - my resources and my time are not only finite but also very valuable to me.

How about your time and resources?

Every time you do not put up with situations and people, what you do in fact is to give a mental shout to yourself: I love you! And I am here to protect you.

I know from my own experience that I can "change the past" by changing the way I see it in the present. And seing pain and "mistakes" or "failures" as opportunities to learn and grow has been the turning point for me.

Also, maybe an idea is to try out reiki or some other form of healing energy and see if that is a method that agrees with you. Then you or an energy therapist can send this healing energy to yourself in the past, as a child, or as an adult in abusive relationships. I know this sounds like a heap of bogus to a lot of people and that's fine - whether is it a healing energy itself or a placebo effect, with me it has worked, and that's what matters. Abuse hardly enters my thoughts nowadays.

You take the responsibility for yourself, but you leave the judgement.

So, that is what I could come up with for today.
Have a blessed night

the chicken and the egg

i was in the shower yesterday and i was thinking, or rather feeling.

is it not unfair, that women have the gift of loving their child, that has come out of them.

this all conquering love that can transform a woman into a lioness, a wolf mother... i know when one day i have my child and somebody tries to hurt it... they are dead meat. shredded dead meat. i shall grow claws and fangs and rip them apart without further thoughts...

which gift do men have in this case?

and then it hit me.

they have the gift of loving their child just as deeply, that (even if) has not come out them.

as for the actual chicken and egg question, i can't be bothered. I am vegan!

do people come with an x button so you can delete them from your life?

it's been a year now that i decided to make my life lighter. i started with my home and my belongings and have eliminated a lot of "garbage" mostly by detecting false needs... this has been going well.

then i started to eliminate garbage in form of thoughts and feelings, my online itneractions.

then activities, obligations, more false needs and things that wasted my time and energy.

now it is time to move on to people in my life.

i have been thinking about eliminating some *friends* who just don't feel good. one friend sucks the life out of me with his neediness, another exhausts me with his misogyny, even if it is subconscious... i think i will simply keep myself away from them, avoid seeing them and such. i ve been keeping a gossiping control freak out of my life for several months now and i successfully "deleted" an ex a few weeks ago.

my criterium for knowing who i need to chuck out is how i feel when im having an exchange with them, as well as when i'm not.

sometimes i get an unpleasant feeling, as if the person is jealous of me in a way and doesn't really wish me well, or trying to control me, or feels free to "correct" something about me when i haven't given that permission... with the people i feel good with, these corrections are most welcome and appreciated. with the others, they feel like annoying intrusions/invasions to my personality... maybe because they come from a need to prove themselves as better, than from interest for my improvement and development.

sometimes communication is simply odd, i'm not sure the person is listening, by a seemingly odd response, or they listen but their social skills are somehow... not on the same wavelength as mine. for example when i say "i got this such and such diagnosis from the doctor and now i have to take this pill and do so and so" and the person just ignores what i said, instead of offering a simple "oh, i'm sorry darling, hope you're not in pain" something simple that shows, i aknowledge what you say, and i feel with you.

or when i have a friend who will only talk about themselves and their problems for two hours straight, every time i see them, without as much as "hey, and what have you been up to?" i totally understand that a friend can be like that at times, and that's ok, but if they are like that all the time, then they need probably a psychologist for it and not a friend.

the opposite can also feel weird. when someone only wants to hear about you, but they never share anything about themselves. when you ask them something they give you a vague or general answer and turn the focus back to you.

or people that are constantly "pill-happy". i don't know what else to name this condition, and I know i am a very joyful person myself, with good amounts of energy. it's just that there are people whose happiness doesnt feel so genuine to me, or it feels kinda "pushed", as if they are making themselves "sound" and "show" happy rather than be happy. it can get very tiring, too.

and then i also realise i don't want some people as friends, because when they are away on vacation or they haven't called in a while i don't miss them at all, they hardly come up in my thoughts in fact. and it gets even worse because when they do call, i might even get an irritated feeling like "oh, it's you... i don't feel like speaking to you now" or... "oh, you... i had forgotten you exist..." but of course saying something like this would be very rude and hurtful...

i wonder do i need to tell these people why i do not wish contact any more? the thing is, i have sort of tried in a nice way but it didn't work. the message didn't get across, and when i was more direct about it, they got cross. i don't particularly mind what they think of me "know-better-bitch?" but harsh concepts/criticism to one's person and behaviour can hurt... even if they are put in neutral words. especially when I know that this person has some problems with themselves, like not feeling as good as everybody else, then it sort of puts a greater responsibility on me to be even kinder with them?

but then again, if i want to treat all people as equal, why should i make exceptions for them? maybe it is time for them to simply grow up? and maybe it has nothing to do with them at all, and it is about me?

i think feeling inferior or feeling superior are two sides of the same coin: you feel somehow different than the rest of the world. it is a failure to aknowledge that you are just like everybody else, and you could be anyone else. and if i treat people differently, i will reinforce this belief in them.

all this elimination of garbage has made a lot of space for many new, good, happy things. good luck, love, happiness, contentness, wonderful new people and many many lessons and moments of insight have been coming to me. i think they have been coming because i have been inviting them to do so, and trying to keep my eyes, my ears my heart open for them.

morning phonecalls

my phone rang a while ago and it was a woman who said initially she was from my mobile phone company, and then turned out she was from some other company and trying to persuade me to change to that one. first she stated that "right now you have the connection for 8 cents a minute" without naming the monthly plan, so it was obvious that she doen't have my customer details and she is not from that mobile company... I answered my honest "i don't know" - I compare prices at the beginning, make my choice and then these details are wiped out of my mind.

then i asked like always with such phonecalls, where she had my number from ("from our list") and then what list that would be. she answered loudly and in an agressive tone "do you want to question me or do you want to start calling for cheaper from next month?!"

i said: "no, like this you won't get far with me. have a good day" and i hung up. I have done similarly the last times i received such a commercial call and certainly the number of these calls has been diminishing.

well, I have one thing to say: thank you Wen Do (this is a self defense system for women that teaches you foremostly to empower yourself).

yes, hopefully I will never have to defend myself physically, but I learned to say no and remove myself from all kinds of unpleasant situations without feeling guilty or helpless, be it annoying phone calls, gossiping neighbours, "friends" who are sucking the life out of me...

moments of my days

today while i was sitting, my heart broke open and i was filled with love. jesus christ superstar, i wouldnt know words to describe how intense but also how natural that felt. within seconds i was shedding silent tears until i calmed down and went back to counting my breaths. and then it just happened a second time! i had been doing this heart-opening gesture for a few weeks now so maybe i was just inviting this to happen, and i knew this is something i need to do right about now... after my heart-opening, I still had maybe another 20 mins until my timer would go off... although i must admit i was really tempted to get up already because i thought, well, after these two experiences, what else can i get out of this sitting? it would be almost greedy to continue, and i can spare myself the numbness of the legs. but dilligent as i try to be i continued and well, i was "rewarded" again, and after a while i felt like i was expanding or maybe melting into my room.

yesterday i originally had my guitar lesson and then my singing class. my singing class was cancelled so i spontaneously went to dinner with a friend instead. on my way to meet her i was so happy. i had had a great guitar lesson and it was so sunny and warm and everything was happy and full of contentness.

i was humming away amazing grace as i walked the streets and took the tram to our meeting point. some people were giving me strange looks and i suppose it was because i was singing and not because of my undone hair. i realised that obviously nowadays it is seen as normal to hum and head bang away to your ipod or mp3 player, or if you sing or perform for coins on the street or even if you talk to an invisible headphone in your ear... but someone who is simply happy and is enjoying this amazing sunny afternoon turning into a balmy summer announcing night, is considered rather weird and given weird looks. well you didn't think i would let the looks bother me, did you, i continued my singing and my smiling, trying to give the people feelings that this is ok, no need to feel uncomfortable. then the situation got better and only then did i notice this boy, around 8 or 9, who was right in front of me and looking at me and listening to my song and smiling at me. and then i smiled back and sang just for him and knew my song had been worth it all the way - and the evening with my friend was beyond lovely, too