i had to ask myself this morning, i think this came up in my sleep, when i make a mistake, and i know the moment i am doing it, that is it a mistake, is it still a mistake? because last week was full of mistakes or false decisions and damn some of them i knew i would regret. but then funnily i didn't because when i was making them, it was my decision to do so, so they weren't mistakes, they were choices. is something a mistake only when we regret it? and what when we anyway learn something from it? are there any mistakes we don't learn anything from? in that case, are there mistakes at all?
got a busy day ahead and haven't slept much, i woke up right on time at one minute before four o clock. yay for me, i' ve been trying to condition myself to wake up that time. the tricky thing is to get to bed early enough, let's say by ten. and what with summer coming on and the new people i v ebeen meeting, this is getting increasingly difficult because i really do enjoy evenings, and warm weather, and interesting people.
i can see lines under my eyes, damn it, i turned thirty and look it. need to get some food for the fridge, and tidy my room, and do some laundry, bleh, i hate this house wifey stuff, if i were alone i wouldnt mind but the fact that i do them for somebody else as well, somebody i don't care about, gets on my nerves.
so, i think soon he will have to do his own shopping, cooking, and laundry and i will only clean the rooms i use, plus buy and cook my own food and wash my own clothes. i m sick of it, and i'm so sick of cat hair all over the place, all over me, all over my clothes, all over my bed, all over my face and even inside my nose. cat hair allergen combined with lack of sleep and i am a physical wreck.
on to the fun stuff, i saw that new friend again yesterday and wow! i saw her eyes at last. this time she was not wearing sunglasses. i was speechless by this colour. a fiery turqoise. paradoxical isn't it! a fiery turqoise! anyhow, we went to the annual bonfire in zurich, to chase the winter away :) and i came home smelling very smokey. she might come to visit me next weekend, but she asked if i d like to have coffee this week, too. so by that i suppose that we tolerate each other's company well :) but i m still praying i don't fall in love with anyone unexpectedly and head over heels and indeed i am lucky so far that i haven't fallen for anybody right now, i think i m a little sick of that being in love business, too, you know, the kind that is unrequited i mean. but hope the mutual thing will come along sometime this century because i dont know how long i can hold on withour sex. eight months already and well, some body parts are complaining for the lack of attention!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
imik simik
great day, took the train to basel, got my friend from hospital, took him home to berne, we sat awhile in his flat, talked talked talked some more
then me back to zurich for guitar lesson, on to swim lesson, then home sweet home to my cats, tired and happy. tired and happy is such fulfilling combination.
i will be alone this weekend, yay, got swim lesson tomorrow morning, then probably come home, clean a bit, make a decent meal, play with my babies, practice guitar, practice my voice exercises, learn a new song that's stuck in my head. and for a nice kick at the end doing a nice spin session, god no, not a gym spinning session, i mean spinning around, around myself and around my living room until i know the world no more.
there's already a waiting line in my head of all the things i want to do and learn, and i actually do think there is plenty time to do it all even if i only got another half a lifetime left. as in just another 30 years.
anyway, i m going out with a new friend come monday, not that girl i wrote about yesterday, someone else, she is really nice.
then me back to zurich for guitar lesson, on to swim lesson, then home sweet home to my cats, tired and happy. tired and happy is such fulfilling combination.
i will be alone this weekend, yay, got swim lesson tomorrow morning, then probably come home, clean a bit, make a decent meal, play with my babies, practice guitar, practice my voice exercises, learn a new song that's stuck in my head. and for a nice kick at the end doing a nice spin session, god no, not a gym spinning session, i mean spinning around, around myself and around my living room until i know the world no more.
there's already a waiting line in my head of all the things i want to do and learn, and i actually do think there is plenty time to do it all even if i only got another half a lifetime left. as in just another 30 years.
anyway, i m going out with a new friend come monday, not that girl i wrote about yesterday, someone else, she is really nice.
the bus that takes me from near my home to the station was a little late today.
the disgusting porky man who was harassing that woman back on the train platform on november 13th, and tried to bully me when i pulled the woman away from him, and who a couple weeks after that incident had tried to harass me in an empty train, was sitting behind me in the bus.
when the bus arrived we had to run for the train was already in the station. as i saw him running ahead of me for a couple moments, somehow some form of pity prevailed over my disgust. he must have been out of breath though because i got ahead of him although i was only walking, and then i held the door open for him thinking "here i am washing away one of your sins and i don't even hate you for it".
hit me if i knew what that meant though.
ok, maybe don't hit me.
do people's bad behaviour gets erased when we forgive them? or in other ways remove their responsibility for it?
when i "forgave" my father for example (using that verb forgive as an approximation for removing responsibility...) with the reasoning of "he didnt know better?"
and why can i not forgive my mother with the same reasoning? can you forgive with reason? maybe a judge can forgive with reason, but who i am to judge? and damn it, who am i then, not to judge.
and in any case does this act of "forgiving" not include feeling superior to that person we are "forgiving"? especially when we give the forgiveness without their asking for it?
on the other hand, do we not know how to protect a child simply because it is a child and we love it and we see it as our moral responsibility to protect that child. and in this situation we do not feel superior to the child but we do know that we are more experienced therefore in a position to take care of it.
as far as i am concerned i didn't "forgive" to remove the "sin" from my father but because i needed very badly to let go of this burden of having to despise someone for something they've done to me that caused me a lot of pain, confusion etc (never mention half a fortune on psychotherapy).
hm.
ok, let's move on to the real issue of today's blog.
i ve met this woman. i like her a lot. i dont think she has the slightest romantic interest in me. i m hoping that i wont develop more intense feelings for her because boy i dont wanna be stuck in some unrequited love sob story for the next who knows how many months. she was talking to me and i couldnt even listen, all i kept thinking was i want to kiss you so bad my lips hurt. it's official. i need to get laid. bleh.
the disgusting porky man who was harassing that woman back on the train platform on november 13th, and tried to bully me when i pulled the woman away from him, and who a couple weeks after that incident had tried to harass me in an empty train, was sitting behind me in the bus.
when the bus arrived we had to run for the train was already in the station. as i saw him running ahead of me for a couple moments, somehow some form of pity prevailed over my disgust. he must have been out of breath though because i got ahead of him although i was only walking, and then i held the door open for him thinking "here i am washing away one of your sins and i don't even hate you for it".
hit me if i knew what that meant though.
ok, maybe don't hit me.
do people's bad behaviour gets erased when we forgive them? or in other ways remove their responsibility for it?
when i "forgave" my father for example (using that verb forgive as an approximation for removing responsibility...) with the reasoning of "he didnt know better?"
and why can i not forgive my mother with the same reasoning? can you forgive with reason? maybe a judge can forgive with reason, but who i am to judge? and damn it, who am i then, not to judge.
and in any case does this act of "forgiving" not include feeling superior to that person we are "forgiving"? especially when we give the forgiveness without their asking for it?
on the other hand, do we not know how to protect a child simply because it is a child and we love it and we see it as our moral responsibility to protect that child. and in this situation we do not feel superior to the child but we do know that we are more experienced therefore in a position to take care of it.
as far as i am concerned i didn't "forgive" to remove the "sin" from my father but because i needed very badly to let go of this burden of having to despise someone for something they've done to me that caused me a lot of pain, confusion etc (never mention half a fortune on psychotherapy).
hm.
ok, let's move on to the real issue of today's blog.
i ve met this woman. i like her a lot. i dont think she has the slightest romantic interest in me. i m hoping that i wont develop more intense feelings for her because boy i dont wanna be stuck in some unrequited love sob story for the next who knows how many months. she was talking to me and i couldnt even listen, all i kept thinking was i want to kiss you so bad my lips hurt. it's official. i need to get laid. bleh.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
beautiful encounters number two
so i met a guy at the train today, all i wanted was to get off at the next stop and take a walk in the rain by the lake, but he talked to me while i was texting back a friend "don't you find texting a little unpersonal"? i looked up and saw this nordic looking man in his mid 30s, he reminded me of a loaf of barely baked white bread, ash hair, a touch of gold for eyebrows, unframed bleach blue eyes, pouty pearly lips. his tone was neutrally inquisitive, not this "you young people don't know what real communication is about anymore"
i didnt know what to answer, really, i wanted to say that simply it is practical, but then we ended talking about body language being half of communication... I thought this might turn into a nice conversation so i skipped my stop. then he commented on my clothes, how my pink hello kitty bag (which is becoming sort of my trade mark) is assorted with my pink shawl i was wrapped in, and how it goes well with my wine red cardigan, and how although i am showing off so much pink it looks well combined and not kitschy. now this, people, was one of the nicest compliments i have received so i thanked him and even threw an extra smile in :-)
after that i pretty much understood it was not going to be a conversation really but more of a monologue with a listener. i left the talking to him and i just listened and nodded encouragingly, interested, surprised, or with a question mark all over my face.
he told me about the differences of the germans and the swiss, then the different cultures within switzerland, then some linguistics, comparing german and english, some swiss history, his childhood, his brother, his sister, and some more personal issues. This went on for maybe 20 minutes and I was trying to actively listen, sometimes my thoughts wandered off and i brought myself back to listening, he did know a lot of stuff and I liked his voice, too. well when someone has a beautiful voice and speaks from the belly up instead of from the top of their head, it is so much easier to wander off, i get almost hypnotised.
20 mins later he realised, "oh no, which stop are we at? you are so charming i forgot to get off" (men can be such bullshitters) He should have gotten off at that stop by the lake where I wanted to get off, originally. Off we hop and into the next train back. He said, did you miss your stop, too? for another 20 mins he talked more, and i listened better. we were alone. told me about his travels, some spiritual experiences, his past, his present. i hardly put a word in, and i was perfectly comfortable with that, and with his openness and this verbal "intimacy".
then we got off at the lake, and he had to take another train home.
before we said good bye, he said it was nice to meet you and that you listened so carefully, sometimes i feel so lonely and people usually dont listen like that. again i had received such a beautiful thing to hear. i said thank you, anytime. and when you feel lonely, try out different people until you find one that will listen. and if this encounter hadn't had that therapeutic touch to it, i would have kissed him without further intentions.
coming home i wondered if i d ever bump into him again, or why did i have to meet him? for me, it was a reassurance that working with people in the long run is exactly what i want/need/ am supposed to do. and another reminder of my bisexual moments as of late, say, a month. or do i need to get laid that bad. sigh. anyhoo.
other than that my friend called from the hospital and obviously doing fine, seeing as he was flirting with me over the phone. so had to make it clear he can go on flirting all he wants but really he can forget about it turning into anything more. a couple years ago i would have let that pass thinking "he is just flirting in a friendly way" and i would continue to be just as nice as before thinking he would get the message i m not interested in "that" way. but now i thought you know what, fuck that false modesty, i know what he's hinting/hoping at, so draw the line already. i neither went as far as explaining why nor lie about liking exclusively women.
so yeah, why the hell am i suddenly so popular with men? even my flatmate told me twice i look pretty. i look the same shit i did a month ago. (or is it because of all this sitting down and breathing lately?? in that case i shall use it daily morning and evening as my new beauty regimen)
but basically, where are all the lesbians who should be standing in line for my number!? huh!!
i didnt know what to answer, really, i wanted to say that simply it is practical, but then we ended talking about body language being half of communication... I thought this might turn into a nice conversation so i skipped my stop. then he commented on my clothes, how my pink hello kitty bag (which is becoming sort of my trade mark) is assorted with my pink shawl i was wrapped in, and how it goes well with my wine red cardigan, and how although i am showing off so much pink it looks well combined and not kitschy. now this, people, was one of the nicest compliments i have received so i thanked him and even threw an extra smile in :-)
after that i pretty much understood it was not going to be a conversation really but more of a monologue with a listener. i left the talking to him and i just listened and nodded encouragingly, interested, surprised, or with a question mark all over my face.
he told me about the differences of the germans and the swiss, then the different cultures within switzerland, then some linguistics, comparing german and english, some swiss history, his childhood, his brother, his sister, and some more personal issues. This went on for maybe 20 minutes and I was trying to actively listen, sometimes my thoughts wandered off and i brought myself back to listening, he did know a lot of stuff and I liked his voice, too. well when someone has a beautiful voice and speaks from the belly up instead of from the top of their head, it is so much easier to wander off, i get almost hypnotised.
20 mins later he realised, "oh no, which stop are we at? you are so charming i forgot to get off" (men can be such bullshitters) He should have gotten off at that stop by the lake where I wanted to get off, originally. Off we hop and into the next train back. He said, did you miss your stop, too? for another 20 mins he talked more, and i listened better. we were alone. told me about his travels, some spiritual experiences, his past, his present. i hardly put a word in, and i was perfectly comfortable with that, and with his openness and this verbal "intimacy".
then we got off at the lake, and he had to take another train home.
before we said good bye, he said it was nice to meet you and that you listened so carefully, sometimes i feel so lonely and people usually dont listen like that. again i had received such a beautiful thing to hear. i said thank you, anytime. and when you feel lonely, try out different people until you find one that will listen. and if this encounter hadn't had that therapeutic touch to it, i would have kissed him without further intentions.
coming home i wondered if i d ever bump into him again, or why did i have to meet him? for me, it was a reassurance that working with people in the long run is exactly what i want/need/ am supposed to do. and another reminder of my bisexual moments as of late, say, a month. or do i need to get laid that bad. sigh. anyhoo.
other than that my friend called from the hospital and obviously doing fine, seeing as he was flirting with me over the phone. so had to make it clear he can go on flirting all he wants but really he can forget about it turning into anything more. a couple years ago i would have let that pass thinking "he is just flirting in a friendly way" and i would continue to be just as nice as before thinking he would get the message i m not interested in "that" way. but now i thought you know what, fuck that false modesty, i know what he's hinting/hoping at, so draw the line already. i neither went as far as explaining why nor lie about liking exclusively women.
so yeah, why the hell am i suddenly so popular with men? even my flatmate told me twice i look pretty. i look the same shit i did a month ago. (or is it because of all this sitting down and breathing lately?? in that case i shall use it daily morning and evening as my new beauty regimen)
but basically, where are all the lesbians who should be standing in line for my number!? huh!!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
beautiful encounters
I met a beautiful woman today and we had a lovely, slow walk along the lake, stopping here and there to take in this and that. we sat down at a bench and talked, it was like we had all the time in the world, philosophising about spirituality, meditation, those beautiful moments, travels, experiences. got some coffee somewhere to get warmed up and talked some more about our lives and then we walked back. as we were coming out of the lake park area and into the city again i felt as if we were emerging, you could say, from a mini retreat and that's when i really appreciated this park, i've always loved it but had never noticed how effectively it shuts out the city noises and hectic energy and tranfers you into an almost protected recreation area. so in all I had a very relaxing at the same time stimulating afternoon. here's to more beautiful encounters like these to come.
then I had my singing class, right after the breathing exercises the teacher said: you know what people, today I must tell you something: I do not have cancer! It turns out she had been going through tests for the past two months. Anyway we proceeded with our singing and for some reason i kept laughing more than usually, the teacher joking around am i funny? you think i'm funny? and we all joined in to tease her, oh well, i enjoy my singing class. singing liberates people. At the end of the class we were talking about who's coming to the next course, i can't because of my planned trip, the teacher was like, you can't come to my next class but i think it's great you're doing this trip and I turned back and said and you know what, i think it's great you don't have cancer. and she said thank you and it was one of the deepest felt thank yous i've heard in my life.
on the way home i tried to find something to eat, man it sucks being a vegan. i ended with an orange, cherry tomatoes and some yummy spanish sweet crackers with olive oil and anise seeds. i need a vegan cookbook. i have to check the library tomorrow.
i still havent heard from my friend from the hospital and i am supposing he is still too dizzy or dozing on and off reality with all those pills and antibiotics they must be giving him now. but hopefully all went well and switzerland will soon have one woman less and one man more, without birth or death certificates friday he should be coming out so i'll go pick him up and take him home. and if they delay to release him until monday then well i will camp outside the nurses' station until he can go lol
then I had my singing class, right after the breathing exercises the teacher said: you know what people, today I must tell you something: I do not have cancer! It turns out she had been going through tests for the past two months. Anyway we proceeded with our singing and for some reason i kept laughing more than usually, the teacher joking around am i funny? you think i'm funny? and we all joined in to tease her, oh well, i enjoy my singing class. singing liberates people. At the end of the class we were talking about who's coming to the next course, i can't because of my planned trip, the teacher was like, you can't come to my next class but i think it's great you're doing this trip and I turned back and said and you know what, i think it's great you don't have cancer. and she said thank you and it was one of the deepest felt thank yous i've heard in my life.
on the way home i tried to find something to eat, man it sucks being a vegan. i ended with an orange, cherry tomatoes and some yummy spanish sweet crackers with olive oil and anise seeds. i need a vegan cookbook. i have to check the library tomorrow.
i still havent heard from my friend from the hospital and i am supposing he is still too dizzy or dozing on and off reality with all those pills and antibiotics they must be giving him now. but hopefully all went well and switzerland will soon have one woman less and one man more, without birth or death certificates friday he should be coming out so i'll go pick him up and take him home. and if they delay to release him until monday then well i will camp outside the nurses' station until he can go lol
beautiful encounters
I met a beautiful woman today and we had a lovely, slow walk along the lake, stopping here and there to take in this and that. we sat down at a bench and talked, it was like we had all the time in the world, philosophising about spirituality, meditation, those beautiful moments, travels, experiences. got some coffee somewhere to get warmed up and talked some more about our lives and then we walked back. as we were coming out of the lake park area and into the city again i felt as if we were emerging, you could say, from a mini retreat and that's when i really appreciated this park, i've always loved it but had never noticed how effectively it shuts out the city noises and hectic energy and tranfers you into an almost protected recreation area. so in all I had a very relaxing at the same time stimulating afternoon. here's to more beautiful encounters like these to come.
then I had my singing class, right after the breathing exercises the teacher said: you know what people, today I must tell you something: I do not have cancer! It turns out she had been going through tests for the past two months. Anyway we proceeded with our singing and for some reason i kept laughing more than usually, the teacher joking around am i funny? you think i'm funny? and we all joined in to tease her, oh well, i enjoy my singing class. singing liberates people. At the end of the class we were talking about who's coming to the next course, i can't because of my planned trip, the teacher was like, you can't come to my next class but i think it's great you're doing this trip and I turned back and said and you know what, i think it's great you don't have cancer. and she said thank you and it was one of the deepest felt thank yous i've heard in my life.
on the way home i tried to find something to eat, man it sucks being a vegan. i ended with an orange, cherry tomatoes and some yummy spanish sweet crackers with olive oil and anise seeds. i need a vegan cookbook. i have to check the library tomorrow.
i still havent heard from my friend from the hospital and i am supposing he is still too dizzy or dozing on and off reality with all those pills and antibiotics they must be giving him now. but hopefully all went well and switzerland will soon have one woman less and one man more, without birth or death certificates friday he should be coming out so i'll go pick him up and take him home. and if they delay to release him until monday then well i will camp outside the nurses' station until he can go lol
then I had my singing class, right after the breathing exercises the teacher said: you know what people, today I must tell you something: I do not have cancer! It turns out she had been going through tests for the past two months. Anyway we proceeded with our singing and for some reason i kept laughing more than usually, the teacher joking around am i funny? you think i'm funny? and we all joined in to tease her, oh well, i enjoy my singing class. singing liberates people. At the end of the class we were talking about who's coming to the next course, i can't because of my planned trip, the teacher was like, you can't come to my next class but i think it's great you're doing this trip and I turned back and said and you know what, i think it's great you don't have cancer. and she said thank you and it was one of the deepest felt thank yous i've heard in my life.
on the way home i tried to find something to eat, man it sucks being a vegan. i ended with an orange, cherry tomatoes and some yummy spanish sweet crackers with olive oil and anise seeds. i need a vegan cookbook. i have to check the library tomorrow.
i still havent heard from my friend from the hospital and i am supposing he is still too dizzy or dozing on and off reality with all those pills and antibiotics they must be giving him now. but hopefully all went well and switzerland will soon have one woman less and one man more, without birth or death certificates friday he should be coming out so i'll go pick him up and take him home. and if they delay to release him until monday then well i will camp outside the nurses' station until he can go lol
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
last night
So I have turned off my laptop, and I am taking a short pre-bed time-out to mentally organise the next day... I lie back on my old, not so stable anymore, recliner kinda office chair...
Now, i know this chair is tricky, right? so i am careful, lie back with a sharpened sense of my physical perception,
and i manage. really good i might add. i find the middle point, the golden middle,
my oldest cat is in the room too, she feels my relaxation and decides... mommy seems so soft right now, why don't I jump on her with all my might!! I lose balance, chair falls backwards, kitty gets scared and sticks her claws on my lap, and down we go tumbling chair and all.
What does this story teaches us.... ?
Get a new office chair!!!
Now, i know this chair is tricky, right? so i am careful, lie back with a sharpened sense of my physical perception,
and i manage. really good i might add. i find the middle point, the golden middle,
my oldest cat is in the room too, she feels my relaxation and decides... mommy seems so soft right now, why don't I jump on her with all my might!! I lose balance, chair falls backwards, kitty gets scared and sticks her claws on my lap, and down we go tumbling chair and all.
What does this story teaches us.... ?
Get a new office chair!!!
Friday, April 09, 2010
another great day
yes, another great day today, the weather even played along, was relatively sunny and relatively warm, it is time to dig out my sunglasses... scrap that, it is time to go get some new cool sunglasses... oh and did i mention, i got a pair of excellent new summer shoes yesterday! doesnt have so much with fashion and being materialistic and so on... but do you know what happiness it is to walk and not have your shoes squish or hurt on any spot?!
so, I had my second guitar lesson today, and i am sooo happy I am doing something for myself that I wanted to do in a very long time, i always thought music is essential to a well rounded general education... plus i simply love, love, LOVE the sound of a guitar. but i never even dared to dream about actually doing it.
and since right now i have still a lot of time on my hands, i decided to "allow" myself to just do the things i want to do! so i am taking guitar and singing lessons, along with swimming lessons... guitar i really want to learn, so i will continue it over the years, singing is more of a fun thing to do in a group, surely over time one does learn some basic things just not interested as far as taking private lessons... right now i can say that my shower singing does sound clearer! as for swimming, somehow i managed to "teach" myself to swim early on, but never the right way... i've learned two of the four swim styles in 8 lessons so far... i can't wait to be out in the open sea again!
all those things are giving me immense satisfaction and joy... next things on my list a) to buy and learn how to ride a bike, b) from the new school year on, i would like to start aikido... if i survive the first lesson that is :p
life is so good (not because of my lessons - but because it simply is!)
so, I had my second guitar lesson today, and i am sooo happy I am doing something for myself that I wanted to do in a very long time, i always thought music is essential to a well rounded general education... plus i simply love, love, LOVE the sound of a guitar. but i never even dared to dream about actually doing it.
and since right now i have still a lot of time on my hands, i decided to "allow" myself to just do the things i want to do! so i am taking guitar and singing lessons, along with swimming lessons... guitar i really want to learn, so i will continue it over the years, singing is more of a fun thing to do in a group, surely over time one does learn some basic things just not interested as far as taking private lessons... right now i can say that my shower singing does sound clearer! as for swimming, somehow i managed to "teach" myself to swim early on, but never the right way... i've learned two of the four swim styles in 8 lessons so far... i can't wait to be out in the open sea again!
all those things are giving me immense satisfaction and joy... next things on my list a) to buy and learn how to ride a bike, b) from the new school year on, i would like to start aikido... if i survive the first lesson that is :p
life is so good (not because of my lessons - but because it simply is!)
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Friday, April 02, 2010
spring cleaning
i was pissed off the whole day today.
weird thing. until some time ago, when I am got pissed off, i started cleaning. then the day after my 30th birthday, i took a deep breath and decided to take things easy, i don't remember now the exact thought behind it, but it was as if I had pushed the magic button, a lot of things fell into place, and I stopped being that angry. or hurt. or anyhow, i stopped bothering that much, that often.
since then, I did not have a lot of incentive to clean, except for the occasional superficial vacuum and keeping kitchen and bathroom hygienic... and once i polished all the wooden floors down on my knees because I had just met a girl that had blown my mind away and i didn't know what to do with all that energy rush I was feeling. the girl stayed in my head for about a week, the floor polish lasted a couple months :)
a few days ago i decided it was time to give the flat a good old spring clean and scrub. declutter, cobwebs, scrub, windows, balcony... the works. i had done a big clean when i came back from africa last year. i threw away all kinds of garbage that had piled up during almost three years i had been away. and what three years they were, but this is a topic for another story.
let me tell you though that three years can make for a lot of garbage: clothes, souvenirs, clothes, papers, more clothes, gifts, household items, stuff that were mine, my flatmate's, stuff of exes... useless stuff, stuff that was in the way, that took space. when it was gone, I could breath deep again.
btu let's return to today. so here i was faced with having to clean, and it totally pissed me off. why do i have to do such weary job?
i love to look at the sky turning dark from my balcony. i love to look at the sky, period :) I would like to be a bird tonight.
when i was angry before, i used to clean. now, when i have to clean, i get angry. i might have conditioned myself to feel anger while cleaning... :/
Thursday, March 25, 2010
my sugar
She is naturally compassionate and patient, and those two qualities she hands out generously. Sometimes she puts her hand on my heart to remind me to "not be so harsh with people" because "everybody is carrying something around with them you don't know about".
She seems to have an insight on people's sorrow, as if she could read their story on their face, on their posture, the way they walk and move, their pauses in between sentences, and understand how it is that they've come to take their stance towards life.
She is one of the coolest people I know, and doesn't take anything you say personally. She will ask if she has a doubt and clear any misunderstandings. She simply doesn't have a bee in her bonnet. She is honest and straightforward, but in a non-confrontational way, you will never feel criticism, only genuine interest and understanding. She is free from any need for petty ego boosts.
She is not scared. She has an air of self-assuredness, she can enter any place and meet anyone and feel neither intimidated nor impressed. She has impeccable manners, the type that matters, like make you feel welcome and see that you are at ease. She will never embarass you, she is very thoughtful and considerate.
She is so precious, and I am not sure if I've ever taken the time to tell her how much I appreciate her influence and all I've learned from her. I am a braver person because she believed in me and expressed her love liberally.
I am truly blessed to have met, recognised, and kept a friend this precious. Beyond beautiful, she is wholesome. One of her kind, really.
She seems to have an insight on people's sorrow, as if she could read their story on their face, on their posture, the way they walk and move, their pauses in between sentences, and understand how it is that they've come to take their stance towards life.
She is one of the coolest people I know, and doesn't take anything you say personally. She will ask if she has a doubt and clear any misunderstandings. She simply doesn't have a bee in her bonnet. She is honest and straightforward, but in a non-confrontational way, you will never feel criticism, only genuine interest and understanding. She is free from any need for petty ego boosts.
She is not scared. She has an air of self-assuredness, she can enter any place and meet anyone and feel neither intimidated nor impressed. She has impeccable manners, the type that matters, like make you feel welcome and see that you are at ease. She will never embarass you, she is very thoughtful and considerate.
She is so precious, and I am not sure if I've ever taken the time to tell her how much I appreciate her influence and all I've learned from her. I am a braver person because she believed in me and expressed her love liberally.
I am truly blessed to have met, recognised, and kept a friend this precious. Beyond beautiful, she is wholesome. One of her kind, really.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
an amazing week
yes what an amazing week i ve had. new classes and all, but most importantly, I have come to some realisations/insight call it what you may, but a lot of things suddenly make sense and i got some answers.
on top of that all,
my sister wrote to me today to thank me for what i ve done for her because these things "have defined her to a great extent" and she is "happy to have become who she is because of it".
thanking me for what I've done for her over the years. I didnt really expect or even want a recognition for being her big sister. it's really more than my pleasure to do whatever i can from funding her studies to listening to her heartbreaks, sometimes being the big sister and sometimes being just her sister. i take pride in this "role" and and she is so precious to me.
of course, having such a cool person for a sister does help - never mention she is stunning to look at with her flaming green eyes and honest smile. She's only 20 but she lacks this self consciousness that makes one a shy, reserved person constantly doubting themselves, she is confident, free spirited and brave and to your face, i can only admire her and pretty sure she will keep most of it up because this is the core of her character and has been since she was very small. she has an amazing ability which is to be in the here and now of each moment with her whole being. this makes her a very alive and vibrant person with no regrets, truly an example a lot of people should take after including myself. although she is so young she is self reliant and often she will ask me for this or that and by the time i get the means to help her she will say "iz allright - got it!" or never mind, wasn't much of a deal after all.
i know lots of people don't have much to do with their siblings and i am deeply thankful for my relationship to mine. there's no shit that could come in my life that would stop me from being the fullest i could be for my sister and certainly ain't nobody gonna come in between. just as she has been a full sister to me from the moment she was old enough to see me as her sister and not as the mother substitute that i essentially and without choice i had to be.
still it feels really good to get a thanks because
it means she is thankful and does not take things for granted
she is kind and humble enough to recognise external influence
she is able to see and pick out on the love and attention and positive things out of an ugly childhood situation instead of blaming life, the universe and pretty much anybody who has ever crossed her path for her bad luck, and using it as the perfect excuse to demonstrating anger and abnoxiousness at anyone who comes her way - it shows me she is a person taking responsibility for her life and experience.
besides, it's refreshing to see a 20 year old who won't thank you for the clothes or gadgets you ve bought her but instead for paying her travels and simply for being there. and let me tell you a sister is a sacred thing to be.
on top of that all,
my sister wrote to me today to thank me for what i ve done for her because these things "have defined her to a great extent" and she is "happy to have become who she is because of it".
thanking me for what I've done for her over the years. I didnt really expect or even want a recognition for being her big sister. it's really more than my pleasure to do whatever i can from funding her studies to listening to her heartbreaks, sometimes being the big sister and sometimes being just her sister. i take pride in this "role" and and she is so precious to me.
of course, having such a cool person for a sister does help - never mention she is stunning to look at with her flaming green eyes and honest smile. She's only 20 but she lacks this self consciousness that makes one a shy, reserved person constantly doubting themselves, she is confident, free spirited and brave and to your face, i can only admire her and pretty sure she will keep most of it up because this is the core of her character and has been since she was very small. she has an amazing ability which is to be in the here and now of each moment with her whole being. this makes her a very alive and vibrant person with no regrets, truly an example a lot of people should take after including myself. although she is so young she is self reliant and often she will ask me for this or that and by the time i get the means to help her she will say "iz allright - got it!" or never mind, wasn't much of a deal after all.
i know lots of people don't have much to do with their siblings and i am deeply thankful for my relationship to mine. there's no shit that could come in my life that would stop me from being the fullest i could be for my sister and certainly ain't nobody gonna come in between. just as she has been a full sister to me from the moment she was old enough to see me as her sister and not as the mother substitute that i essentially and without choice i had to be.
still it feels really good to get a thanks because
it means she is thankful and does not take things for granted
she is kind and humble enough to recognise external influence
she is able to see and pick out on the love and attention and positive things out of an ugly childhood situation instead of blaming life, the universe and pretty much anybody who has ever crossed her path for her bad luck, and using it as the perfect excuse to demonstrating anger and abnoxiousness at anyone who comes her way - it shows me she is a person taking responsibility for her life and experience.
besides, it's refreshing to see a 20 year old who won't thank you for the clothes or gadgets you ve bought her but instead for paying her travels and simply for being there. and let me tell you a sister is a sacred thing to be.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
you know you0re a third culture kide when...
You know you’re a TCK when ...
- “Where are you from?” has more than one reasonable answer.
- You’ve said that you’re from foreign country X, and (if you live in America) your audience has asked you which US state X is in.
- You flew before you could walk.
- You speak two languages, but can’t spell in either.
- You feel odd being in the ethnic majority.
- You have three passports.
- You have a passport but no driver’s license.
- You go into culture shock upon returning to your “home” country.- Your life story uses the phrase “Then we moved to…” three (or four, or five…) times.
- You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
- You don’t know whether to write the date as day/month/year, month/day/year, or some variation thereof.
- The best word for something is the word you learned first, regardless of the language.
- You get confused because US money isn’t colour-coded.
- You think VISA is a document that’s stamped in your passport, not a plastic card you carry in your wallet.
- You own personal appliances with 3 types of plugs, know the difference between 110 and 220 volts, 50 and 60 cycle current, and realize that a trasnsformer isn’t always enough to make your appliances work.
- You fried a number of appliances during the learning process.
- You think the Pledge of Allegiance might possibly begin with “Four-score and seven years ago….”- Half of your phone calls are unintelligible to those around you.
- You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
- You consider a city 500 miles away “very close.”
- You get homesick reading National Geographic.
- You cruise the Internet looking for fonts that can support foreign alphabets.
- You think in the metric system and Celsius.
- You may have learned to think in feet and miles as well, after a few years of living (and driving) in the US. (But not Fahrenheit. You will *never* learn to think in Fahrenheit).
- You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
- Your minor is a foreign language you already speak.- When asked a question in a certain language, you’ve absentmindedly respond in a different one.
- You miss the subtitles when you see the latest movie.
- You’ve gotten out of school because of monsoons, bomb threats, and/or popular demonstrations.
- You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
- You have frequent flyer accounts on multiple airlines.
- You constantly want to use said frequent flyer accounts to travel to new places.
- You know how to pack.
- You have the urge to move to a new country every couple of years.
- The thought of sending your (hypothetical) kids to public school scares you, while the thought of letting them fly alone doesn’t at all.
- You think that high school reunions are all but impossible.
- You have friends from 29 different countries.
- You sort your friends by continent.
- You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
- You realize what a small world it is, after all.
taken from http://www.tckid.com
- “Where are you from?” has more than one reasonable answer.
- You’ve said that you’re from foreign country X, and (if you live in America) your audience has asked you which US state X is in.
- You flew before you could walk.
- You speak two languages, but can’t spell in either.
- You feel odd being in the ethnic majority.
- You have three passports.
- You have a passport but no driver’s license.
- You go into culture shock upon returning to your “home” country.- Your life story uses the phrase “Then we moved to…” three (or four, or five…) times.
- You wince when people mispronounce foreign words.
- You don’t know whether to write the date as day/month/year, month/day/year, or some variation thereof.
- The best word for something is the word you learned first, regardless of the language.
- You get confused because US money isn’t colour-coded.
- You think VISA is a document that’s stamped in your passport, not a plastic card you carry in your wallet.
- You own personal appliances with 3 types of plugs, know the difference between 110 and 220 volts, 50 and 60 cycle current, and realize that a trasnsformer isn’t always enough to make your appliances work.
- You fried a number of appliances during the learning process.
- You think the Pledge of Allegiance might possibly begin with “Four-score and seven years ago….”- Half of your phone calls are unintelligible to those around you.
- You believe vehemently that football is played with a round, spotted ball.
- You consider a city 500 miles away “very close.”
- You get homesick reading National Geographic.
- You cruise the Internet looking for fonts that can support foreign alphabets.
- You think in the metric system and Celsius.
- You may have learned to think in feet and miles as well, after a few years of living (and driving) in the US. (But not Fahrenheit. You will *never* learn to think in Fahrenheit).
- You haggle with the checkout clerk for a lower price.
- Your minor is a foreign language you already speak.- When asked a question in a certain language, you’ve absentmindedly respond in a different one.
- You miss the subtitles when you see the latest movie.
- You’ve gotten out of school because of monsoons, bomb threats, and/or popular demonstrations.
- You speak with authority on the subject of airline travel.
- You have frequent flyer accounts on multiple airlines.
- You constantly want to use said frequent flyer accounts to travel to new places.
- You know how to pack.
- You have the urge to move to a new country every couple of years.
- The thought of sending your (hypothetical) kids to public school scares you, while the thought of letting them fly alone doesn’t at all.
- You think that high school reunions are all but impossible.
- You have friends from 29 different countries.
- You sort your friends by continent.
- You have a time zone map next to your telephone.
- You realize what a small world it is, after all.
taken from http://www.tckid.com
Sunday, February 28, 2010
what i learned today
i was talking, or rather chatting, to a blogger friend who works somewhere very far away, in a country bordering on the caspian sea. we talked about the languages spoken there and somehow, it struck me to look it up. so i learned a bit about the area and that farsi although it uses the arabic alphabet is still an indoeuropean language. Also, i came to see that Neka, is one of the major cities around the caspian sea, which is actually more of a lake.
then i saw something funny on facebook and trying to find the same image so i could post it here, i stumbled upon some research about the psychology of scam victims and how this knowledge could translate into creating better security keys against online scams, too. I checked out the guys who conducted it and found the "magic phrase" The Magic Words are Squeamish Ossifrage which of course I had to find out more about, which led me to learn a bit about about plaintext, ciphertext, algorithms and sharing, or rather donating CPU time - all things i ve heard of before from my beloved nerd friends mind you, but that was many years ago.
oh, btw i also watched this about banning loveless marriages and thought it highly unfair that people would possibly reduce to, or judge whether a marriage is to be considered as such depending on sexual activity or whatever... such nonsense...
but the most important thing i learned today was definitely this:
how easter eggs ware made
then i saw something funny on facebook and trying to find the same image so i could post it here, i stumbled upon some research about the psychology of scam victims and how this knowledge could translate into creating better security keys against online scams, too. I checked out the guys who conducted it and found the "magic phrase" The Magic Words are Squeamish Ossifrage which of course I had to find out more about, which led me to learn a bit about about plaintext, ciphertext, algorithms and sharing, or rather donating CPU time - all things i ve heard of before from my beloved nerd friends mind you, but that was many years ago.
oh, btw i also watched this about banning loveless marriages and thought it highly unfair that people would possibly reduce to, or judge whether a marriage is to be considered as such depending on sexual activity or whatever... such nonsense...
but the most important thing i learned today was definitely this:
how easter eggs ware made
Saturday, February 13, 2010
been busy
in a good way...
along with study, household, laundry and all the other things to do, i had to admit to myself that i needed to go shopping. i realised i had been wearing the same baggy jeans and hoody for the past months, week after week. i couldnt be bothered to pick and match anythign else, it was just comfortable. I didn't care to look good and it never crossed my mind what other people might think.
then I realised it's time to go out there and find myself a nice, dependable, honest... bla, bla, girl to really love... and to do so, i think, some cute clothes might help... you know, to catch her attention until she takes a look under the surface ;)
but instead of cute and sexy I just got a few warm, soft, comfortable and practical items... you know, stuff with descriptions like microfleece, thermal, wind/waterproof... and because i have such a good eye for bargains it all just cost me pizza and soda for four... all organic cotton/recycled plastic material and most important: fair trade... aren't i happy my fav shop has jaw dropping sales twice a year...
now besides that, for some reason shoes have been dying on me... three pairs of sports shoes i finallythat were so worn their soles were slippery smooth... they were between 10 and 4 years old... today i noticed two things: my ankle boots I've been wearing for the past four winters have slightly opened at the side, which I can repair with some glue i'm sure... and my loyal beloved 8 year old birkenstocks that i wear indoors... need replacement too. so, I'll be out looking for some running shoes and for new birkis, lest I remain only with dressy heels and stuff...
funny how i can remember exactly where i got all my shoes, even about how much they cost. maybe because they are something that stays with me a long time, darn my shoes stay with me longer than most people. or maybe because i put so much thought into choosing them - they have to be good quality and perfect fit. usually that means also pricey but i've only paid "full price" for shoes when it was an emergency and I just needed a pair right away, which was twice I can remember off the top of my head right now and was on a trip...
once i was in athens and the zip of my knee boots broke! so I got the said ankle boots that are opening up now... and then last year i needed lighter, open shoes cuz weather on my trip was much warmer than anticipated. never let anyone advise you, you get winter in africa. ever. screw the bullshit talk about "ask the locals". lonely planet rules. this is now the reason i have two pairs of same style trekking sandals.
twice more I paid full price, both times just because i wanted those dead cute, black, solid ankle strap ballerinas, sort of like flat mary janes but sexier... the first time I needed some presentable shoes for work and also wore them at a ball with a long black velvet dress - that was when i was 20 and i had to give them away a couple years later because my foot outgrew them (!) before i got any decent wear out of them...
the other pair, two years ago, was just because I wanted this type of shoe and when I wore them for the first time they cut me so hard in my achilles i think i was lucky no damage was done... I couldn't walk straight for two weeks and had the wounds to prove it for a month. can't wait for spring to wear them again... they softened of course, with my own blood...
oh dear, what a boring rant.... I guess i am tired and talking nonsense... anyhow, sauna today was reaaaalllly good. am i the only person who gets incredibly horny in there?? and i'm not even at the middle of my cycle... just let me find that bold enough girl who'll get naughty with me in there on a weekday morning, when the place is deserted...
along with study, household, laundry and all the other things to do, i had to admit to myself that i needed to go shopping. i realised i had been wearing the same baggy jeans and hoody for the past months, week after week. i couldnt be bothered to pick and match anythign else, it was just comfortable. I didn't care to look good and it never crossed my mind what other people might think.
then I realised it's time to go out there and find myself a nice, dependable, honest... bla, bla, girl to really love... and to do so, i think, some cute clothes might help... you know, to catch her attention until she takes a look under the surface ;)
but instead of cute and sexy I just got a few warm, soft, comfortable and practical items... you know, stuff with descriptions like microfleece, thermal, wind/waterproof... and because i have such a good eye for bargains it all just cost me pizza and soda for four... all organic cotton/recycled plastic material and most important: fair trade... aren't i happy my fav shop has jaw dropping sales twice a year...
now besides that, for some reason shoes have been dying on me... three pairs of sports shoes i finallythat were so worn their soles were slippery smooth... they were between 10 and 4 years old... today i noticed two things: my ankle boots I've been wearing for the past four winters have slightly opened at the side, which I can repair with some glue i'm sure... and my loyal beloved 8 year old birkenstocks that i wear indoors... need replacement too. so, I'll be out looking for some running shoes and for new birkis, lest I remain only with dressy heels and stuff...
funny how i can remember exactly where i got all my shoes, even about how much they cost. maybe because they are something that stays with me a long time, darn my shoes stay with me longer than most people. or maybe because i put so much thought into choosing them - they have to be good quality and perfect fit. usually that means also pricey but i've only paid "full price" for shoes when it was an emergency and I just needed a pair right away, which was twice I can remember off the top of my head right now and was on a trip...
once i was in athens and the zip of my knee boots broke! so I got the said ankle boots that are opening up now... and then last year i needed lighter, open shoes cuz weather on my trip was much warmer than anticipated. never let anyone advise you, you get winter in africa. ever. screw the bullshit talk about "ask the locals". lonely planet rules. this is now the reason i have two pairs of same style trekking sandals.
twice more I paid full price, both times just because i wanted those dead cute, black, solid ankle strap ballerinas, sort of like flat mary janes but sexier... the first time I needed some presentable shoes for work and also wore them at a ball with a long black velvet dress - that was when i was 20 and i had to give them away a couple years later because my foot outgrew them (!) before i got any decent wear out of them...
the other pair, two years ago, was just because I wanted this type of shoe and when I wore them for the first time they cut me so hard in my achilles i think i was lucky no damage was done... I couldn't walk straight for two weeks and had the wounds to prove it for a month. can't wait for spring to wear them again... they softened of course, with my own blood...
oh dear, what a boring rant.... I guess i am tired and talking nonsense... anyhow, sauna today was reaaaalllly good. am i the only person who gets incredibly horny in there?? and i'm not even at the middle of my cycle... just let me find that bold enough girl who'll get naughty with me in there on a weekday morning, when the place is deserted...
still busy!
yes this is actualy vsv's profile and blog and they have been "neglected" the last couple weeks. blame it all on ms hot and trim (aka in shoe lala land as rach) who got me started on the gym and pool and going out and meeting people.
I've had a fantastic saturday. scrap that, i've had the most fantastic week in about a year (long story).
AND a fantastic saturday compared to that week.
woke up happy, had a good swim, but mostly enjoyed gliding underwater... bliss. although usually i dream of being a big raven and flying sometimes today i was more for a fish. not sure fish have so much fun though, sea mammals more like. (i can so relate to the guy from the big blue sometimes)
so anyhoo i was going to Body worlds with a friend at last! I had asked him several times, can you really do it? he's a bit of a softy, water sign (cancer) and all. he said, yeah, i'll manage. dear lord we haven't been inside 2 mins and he's turning pale. the lady at the entrance with a stick up her behind wouldn't let us back out, said we have to go through the whole thing and get out at the EXIT.
so there we go through a pretty crowded exhibition (saturday afternoon in zurich... it's CULTURE time!) so it's me to the front trying to keep him looking at the floor and holding hands to lead him and keeping him from opening the fire exit doors lol until we made it to the EXIT without any upset stomach accidents -- phew!
then we had a really good talk with a cup of my favourite poison (cappucino, two sugars) and continued it with some excellent thai food at the other side of town.
and now i am tired and goodnight and if i don't see you tomorrow,
I've had a fantastic saturday. scrap that, i've had the most fantastic week in about a year (long story).
AND a fantastic saturday compared to that week.
woke up happy, had a good swim, but mostly enjoyed gliding underwater... bliss. although usually i dream of being a big raven and flying sometimes today i was more for a fish. not sure fish have so much fun though, sea mammals more like. (i can so relate to the guy from the big blue sometimes)
so anyhoo i was going to Body worlds with a friend at last! I had asked him several times, can you really do it? he's a bit of a softy, water sign (cancer) and all. he said, yeah, i'll manage. dear lord we haven't been inside 2 mins and he's turning pale. the lady at the entrance with a stick up her behind wouldn't let us back out, said we have to go through the whole thing and get out at the EXIT.
so there we go through a pretty crowded exhibition (saturday afternoon in zurich... it's CULTURE time!) so it's me to the front trying to keep him looking at the floor and holding hands to lead him and keeping him from opening the fire exit doors lol until we made it to the EXIT without any upset stomach accidents -- phew!
then we had a really good talk with a cup of my favourite poison (cappucino, two sugars) and continued it with some excellent thai food at the other side of town.
and now i am tired and goodnight and if i don't see you tomorrow,
Thursday, February 04, 2010
life's been busy
in a good way...
along with study, household, laundry and all the other things to do, i had to admit to myself that i needed to go shopping. i realised i had been wearing the same baggy jeans and hoody for the past months, week after week. i couldnt be bothered to pick and match anythign else, it was just comfortable. I didn't care to look good and it never crossed my mind what other people might think.
then I realised it's time to go out there and find myself a nice, dependable, honest... bla, bla, girl to really love... and to do so, i think, some cute clothes might help... you know, to catch her attention until she takes a look under the surface ;)
but instead of cute and sexy I just got a few warm, soft, comfortable and practical items... you know, stuff with descriptions like microfleece, thermal, wind/waterproof... and because i have such a good eye for bargains it all just cost me pizza and soda for four... all organic cotton/recycled plastic material and most important: fair trade... aren't i happy my fav shop has jaw dropping sales twice a year...
now besides that, for some reason shoes have been dying on me... three pairs of sports shoes i finallythat were so worn their soles were slippery smooth... they were between 10 and 4 years old... today i noticed two things: my ankle boots I've been wearing for the past four winters have slightly opened at the side, which I can repair with some glue i'm sure... and my loyal beloved 8 year old birkenstocks that i wear indoors... need replacement too. so, I'll be out looking for some running shoes and for new birkis, lest I remain only with dressy heels and stuff...
funny how i can remember exactly where i got all my shoes, even about how much they cost. maybe because they are something that stays with me a long time, darn my shoes stay with me longer than most people. or maybe because i put so much thought into choosing them - they have to be good quality and perfect fit. usually that means also pricey but i've only paid "full price" for shoes when it was an emergency and I just needed a pair right away, which was twice I can remember off the top of my head right now and was on a trip...
once i was in athens and the zip of my knee boots broke! so I got the said ankle boots that are opening up now... and then last year i needed lighter, open shoes cuz weather on my trip was much warmer than anticipated. never let anyone advise you, you get winter in africa. ever. screw the bullshit talk about "ask the locals". lonely planet rules. this is now the reason i have two pairs of same style trekking sandals.
twice more I paid full price, both times just because i wanted those dead cute, black, solid ankle strap ballerinas, sort of like flat mary janes but sexier... the first time I needed some presentable shoes for work and also wore them at a ball with a long black velvet dress - that was when i was 20 and i had to give them away a couple years later because my foot outgrew them (!) before i got any decent wear out of them...
the other pair, two years ago, was just because I wanted this type of shoe and when I wore them for the first time they cut me so hard in my achilles i think i was lucky no damage was done... I couldn't walk straight for two weeks and had the wounds to prove it for a month. can't wait for spring to wear them again... they softened of course, with my own blood...
oh dear, what a boring rant.... I guess i am tired and talking nonsense... anyhow, sauna today was reaaaalllly good. am i the only person who gets incredibly horny in there?? and i'm not even at the middle of my cycle... just let me find that bold enough girl who'll get naughty with me in there on a weekday morning, when the place is deserted...
along with study, household, laundry and all the other things to do, i had to admit to myself that i needed to go shopping. i realised i had been wearing the same baggy jeans and hoody for the past months, week after week. i couldnt be bothered to pick and match anythign else, it was just comfortable. I didn't care to look good and it never crossed my mind what other people might think.
then I realised it's time to go out there and find myself a nice, dependable, honest... bla, bla, girl to really love... and to do so, i think, some cute clothes might help... you know, to catch her attention until she takes a look under the surface ;)
but instead of cute and sexy I just got a few warm, soft, comfortable and practical items... you know, stuff with descriptions like microfleece, thermal, wind/waterproof... and because i have such a good eye for bargains it all just cost me pizza and soda for four... all organic cotton/recycled plastic material and most important: fair trade... aren't i happy my fav shop has jaw dropping sales twice a year...
now besides that, for some reason shoes have been dying on me... three pairs of sports shoes i finallythat were so worn their soles were slippery smooth... they were between 10 and 4 years old... today i noticed two things: my ankle boots I've been wearing for the past four winters have slightly opened at the side, which I can repair with some glue i'm sure... and my loyal beloved 8 year old birkenstocks that i wear indoors... need replacement too. so, I'll be out looking for some running shoes and for new birkis, lest I remain only with dressy heels and stuff...
funny how i can remember exactly where i got all my shoes, even about how much they cost. maybe because they are something that stays with me a long time, darn my shoes stay with me longer than most people. or maybe because i put so much thought into choosing them - they have to be good quality and perfect fit. usually that means also pricey but i've only paid "full price" for shoes when it was an emergency and I just needed a pair right away, which was twice I can remember off the top of my head right now and was on a trip...
once i was in athens and the zip of my knee boots broke! so I got the said ankle boots that are opening up now... and then last year i needed lighter, open shoes cuz weather on my trip was much warmer than anticipated. never let anyone advise you, you get winter in africa. ever. screw the bullshit talk about "ask the locals". lonely planet rules. this is now the reason i have two pairs of same style trekking sandals.
twice more I paid full price, both times just because i wanted those dead cute, black, solid ankle strap ballerinas, sort of like flat mary janes but sexier... the first time I needed some presentable shoes for work and also wore them at a ball with a long black velvet dress - that was when i was 20 and i had to give them away a couple years later because my foot outgrew them (!) before i got any decent wear out of them...
the other pair, two years ago, was just because I wanted this type of shoe and when I wore them for the first time they cut me so hard in my achilles i think i was lucky no damage was done... I couldn't walk straight for two weeks and had the wounds to prove it for a month. can't wait for spring to wear them again... they softened of course, with my own blood...
oh dear, what a boring rant.... I guess i am tired and talking nonsense... anyhow, sauna today was reaaaalllly good. am i the only person who gets incredibly horny in there?? and i'm not even at the middle of my cycle... just let me find that bold enough girl who'll get naughty with me in there on a weekday morning, when the place is deserted...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
monday, can't wait for monday!
i've lost or decided to drop four people in the last few weeks. realised it was only ok as long as i did what they wanted and didn't speak up, and when i stood up for myself and wasn't so accommodating anymore, i was suddenly "rude" and "thinking only of myself"... spoilt, manipulative people *shrugs* hope i've learnet better now. a bit angry at myself for my naivity but still...
this also became evident in a dream i had this morning, where i stood up for myself at someone who was taking advantage of me. so my sunday began nicely, and continued even more so... i can look back at a nice weekend, bring on monday...!
i do like my self of more and more.
i'm loving my new haircut, too!
this also became evident in a dream i had this morning, where i stood up for myself at someone who was taking advantage of me. so my sunday began nicely, and continued even more so... i can look back at a nice weekend, bring on monday...!
i do like my self of more and more.
i'm loving my new haircut, too!
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